Wax and Wine

In this new section, Cocteau Twins guitarist Robin Guthrie reviews cheeses from across the globe in his usual curiously grim manner.

Edam

I’ve always found the Wax to be a complete burden. You’d be sitting there cutting bits off it and all of a sudden you’d come to the red part and you’d be a bit lost for words. Usually I end up with a slice which contains half wax and half cheese and in that situation I just eat it. It’s the easiest way really. I’m just worried about the prospect of one day shitting a major wax ball. That could cause some serious anal complaints at some point in the future. It won’t stop me from eating them though.

Cheddar

It’s the old favourite isn’t it? Frankly I’m quite bored of it. It’s something your ma would always buy for the sandwiches and it just become too commonplace for it be exciting. I do still have the odd bit of it now and again just for nostalgia’s sake, nothing more. There are other cheeses out there that seriously kick its ass though. Most of them do in fact.

Danish Blue

Everytime I eat Danish blue I can hear my arteries close over just a little bit more. It’s terrifying. You bite into it and you know your chlorestrol score is going to go up by about 100 points. Regardless, it’s fucking tasty. I wouldn’t buy a whole block of it though. Instead I prefer to buy the little squares you can get in pic n mixes. Usually I’d just go down to the Co-op and buy some of it from the Cheese Pic N Mix section. You can get about 5 cubes for £1 which is incredible value.

Gouda

I could never really tell the difference between this and Edam. I think Gouda is Edam’s pailer less pronounced cousin. That said, I can have no complaints as it is a tasty little number. Goes well with a glass of chardonnay after spending a hard day moping around the house.

Leerdammer

Don’t believe the hype. Leerdammer is shite. I first heard of this during an episode of Midsommer Murders, I believe they were the sponsors. From the commercial it looked like heaven and I used to spend hours in Tesco trying to find it without much luck. I finally found it one day in Sainsburys and was so excited about the prospect of finally tasting it that I went out to the car and opened the container and began eating it before starting the car’s engine. I ended up throwing the package out of the window in disgust. It really isn’t that nice.

Camembert

Fuck, Camembert is an odd one isn’t it? It’s hardly the prettiest thing to look at in the world. There’s something about its texture that is instantly appealing. You bite into it and inside the tough curd is this chewy bit which is quite excellent. I try to swallow this down whenever I can with a nice glass of wine as the aftertaste tends to remind me of paint stripper.

Feta

Urgghhhhh. Is this actually cheese? It reminds me of cubified bile. Seriously, it is that bad. It’s like putting your own vomit in a freezer and shaking salt and vinegar all over it and eating it back in. It really isn’t pleasant. It didn’t stop me from eating it though. I mean I spent about £2 on this stuff and I wanted value for my money. Besides after a while I thought I was growing used to the taste but I was just fooling myself however.

Jarlsberg

It’s a novelty cheese and nothing more. There just isn’t really a discernable taste to it at all. If I want a cheese with holes in it I’ll get out the cordless drill and start making my own thank you very much. I mean how fucking presumptious are the manufacturers of this shite? It’s kinda like the polo mint thing. They are trying to reel you in with this less is more bullshit but it won’t stick with Guthers! Oh no!