Please note some of these tips may make people believe that you are a dirty old man or woman. They are for entertainment purposes only, on the other hand, if you really want to learn a thing or two about yanking try one of these books from Amazon.co.uk. or if you are already a pro wanker and fancy getting yourself some hardcore tools of the trade.

The Gospel According to Wank

stroking it off, beating it blind and twisting the talent. these are all names for an exciting process which begins at puberty and ends sometime after you become a dirty old man.

these ten tips will eliminate almost all risk from your ventures downstairs.

1. when downloading cheapo trial videos from cheapo dodgy trial sites, turn down the sound on your computer speaker system to 0. look around the room to ensure that nobody is watching you, if the coast is clear try turning your speakers up a notch. the chances are the orgasms will be in full flow already on the video. if the screams of the woman/man are too loud, adjust volume as necessary with free hand. i must stress that opening a video without checking that your volume is down is suicide. unless you are home alone. if that is the case, turn it up as loud as possible.

2. never ever, ever do it in bed. it may seem easy enough to move over to the floor/into the toilet when you’ve just begun. however when freddie starts knocking you’ll become a right filthy bastard and you’ll just want to lie there. besides the last thing you want is to have to explain what those marks are on your bed sheets.

3. resist all temptations to have a novelty wank. a novelty wank is a particularly risky tug in unchartered terrority ala a siblings bedroom, a forest or a public toilet. it will all end in disaster. instead my advice is to save yourself until the next time you are on a ferry and shoot one off into the sea from the top deck.

4. do not have a crack when drunk. particularly if you are still living with your parents. not only could you cause yourself some unnecessary damage downstairs – you’ll also begin taking major risks i.e. leaving your bedroom door open, leaving the sound on too loud.

5. tissue is a necessity. roll out the white carpet before even thinking about saluting the sailor. the last thing you want is to be sitting there all floppy and lethargic with a pool of evil half-milk to clear up. even if you are an awful shot its still best to lay down the law before hand. that way the spillage will be minimal.

6. when you are ready to jettison your cargo, resist all eye contact with litter bins, house plants and hand basins. it is not worth the effort. someone will have to empty your bin bag sooner or later. and moreover, it will be one hell of a kodak moment if you are caught.

7. always ensure that you have enough suitable pornographic material to tide you over. the worst possible thing that can happen is for your engine to stall when you are almost home. if you have no pornography, you will have to rely on your mind to conjure sexy thoughts. and since the mind is a complete cunt you’ll wind up thinking about something completely unsavoury. which will make it much harder for you to cross the finishing line.

8. let sleeping dogs lie. no matter how perky you may feel, take this as a signal – if your hero is curled up he isn’t going to wake up. shaking him will just irritate him. and the next time you take him for a walk, he’ll be less likely to run off in a straight line. you don’t want to have to take out 3rd party insurance just to have a quick slap, do you now m’boy?

9. by very wary of group wanks. if fat frank from around the corner calls at your door at midnight asking you if you would like to have a fondle behind the church with the rest of the lads, it is best to say no. be suspicious of anyone who wishes to watch you foam yourself up (without prior consultation).

10. investing £3 on a test run may seem like a good idea on a drunken stint in the men’s room. however, be warned – dumping the body can be a serious trying issue- which can challange even the most practical of men. flinging it out of your bedroom window is completely out of the question. as is flushing it down the toilet. i’d suggest sticking it an envelope, putting a stamp on it and mailing it to your local MP. but that’s just me.