below is the list of high coups which mr tommy boyd discovered through his ten years service to thermoarticarseary.

1) thine beard, be it shafty silver or jet black will withstand the curry and the ale. let it jettison ill faith and clap-a-clap-ah.

2) verily i say dear goat. you were a goat until you lost your hair. where is your hair now? down the fucking toilet? moist and rampant like a case of the shits!

3) victory on green baize. victory on red baize. true colours. true waistcoats. willie thorn’s on itv advertising deep heat testicular spray.

4) stuck in a toilet. with no urinals. pissing against the wall, trying to wash the other piss of the wall. let it soak. let it rinse. soak me hard. order me prints. prints of the goat. being milked. by the shaman. of milk.

5) oh sir! do bite the bullet and upon thy silver beard will thee be granted a medal carved out of whale wax.

6) a statue carved out of foam shall exclaim “sodomy!” upon thy wedding night. thou shall wake up to the fiery breath of none other than tony hart.

7) greek olives! greek olives! how greek art thou?

and as for the prawn, it attempted to crown me with the wheelbarrow, but ran out of wheelbarrows and used an axe instead.

9) sweet allah! bestow honours and jewels upon my feiry crotch! let it burn, burn, burn! quite like a ring of fucking fire!

10) thou valkarie! ger off mer lawn or else i’ll shove these petunians up yer blueing arse!