Idiot Goth Girls & Cute Internet Lesbians @ Dark Starlings.com

Contrary to its title Darkstarlings is not the website of a charity for depressed birds, it is in fact a portal for goths and metalheads to join hands and moan about how shit life is.

I decided that I wanted a piece of the action. So I signed up. What follows is a transcript of my terrifying journey into gothdom.

My first task was to choose a username that would not raise suspicion. So I choose something that most goff types would find easy to digest.

Notice the little star logo in the top left hand corner? That indicates that we’ve entered into the scary-goth-lair. When shite symbolism is about, you know the goths cannot be too far away.

After filling out a short form and responding to a verification mail, I am in.

It will be soon time to introduce myself to the community, but before that I must fill in a little more information about me in my profile.

It’s an intriguing start. One of the very first questions concerns my sexual orientation. Being a new psuedo-goth my sexual orientation must be scene friendly. Straight is not an answer here. So I decided to choose “pansexual” just for kicks. Does that mean that I fuck woks? Time will only tell.

This is proving more of a challenge than I initally thought. I need to convey to these people that I am a loveable rogue who likes cats and cheese, it’s not easy.

Whar a taste in music!!!

Ok thats enough for now. It is time to make my introduction to the public. And where better to do so than in the Introductions section!

After having declared my arrival I decided to have a wander around the forums to observe some fascinating dialog about vampire bats, Anne Rice novels, VNV nation, mascara, torture chambers and……rotten apples.

Dear Jesus! It’s always the ones with the racquets you have to watch. Could The_Noxious_Ecstasy be any more unfortunate than to be hit by a rotten apple? What is the world coming to for fucks sake? I decided to share my sympathy for Noxious in the only way I knew how……………by saying that I was sorry.

By this time I was getting quite bored. So to stop myself from falling asleep I moved into the Music forum and found a thread on Placebo. Being such a massive fan of the Molkoster I decided to show some love.

Things were beginning to seriously crawl at Darkstarlings. No-one would respond to my cries for help. I decided to make myself useful and go back and adjust my profile to make it a little more homely. I added the following.

Whilst I was away worsening my cause for “Goff of the Year 2006″ a member finally replied to my introduction namely a fine young chap called “Hearselover666″. My curiosity got the better of me and decided to visit his profile.

Sweet fuck thats a hell of a lot of red Kev! I can tell Hearselover666 and I are going to be pals. He is a pansexual like myself and his love for ambulances built before 1976 on a car chassis is a definite fucking turn-on!

It was now a priority of mine to establish contact with Kevo, so I decided to send him a private message.

Kev was quick to respond and it is obvious that he has had trouble with the paramedics before.

Kev’s kind words have inspired me to greatness. I know in my heart that it is time to visit the poetry section of the forum and flex some literary muscle onto the DS faithful.

After responding to a thread about music videos, pedantry decided to rear its ulgy head.

I’d had enough talk of MTV, I wanted to talk about something a little more raw so in a wild fit of enthusiasm I decided to impart my endless wisdom about the punk movement.

And then something utterly fascinating happened. Something era defining. A bright young upstart called Prophet Kyo decided to level with me. He was not impressed with my work.

It was now time to go to bed. It had been quite a long night and I was looking forward to being psychically molested by a group of yoga practicing vampires angry at the irreverence of my actions.

I awoke the next day to a beautiful morning and a new private message from Carol the Forum Moderator at Darkstarlings. Was the game up?

Yes, yes it was. Carol seemed to be extremely dismayed by my show of poor form. I followed her directions and had a quick look at her profile and was shocked to find that she found pleasure in cutting up tabloid newspapers with razor blades, slashing her lip with broken beer bottles and shoplifting in thrift stores.

Were her accusations true? Had I not given Darkstarlings a proper chance? No and no. I put my heart and soul into finding romantic souls on that board. And all I found were goths.

Dismayed at knowing my brief tenure as a Dark Raven was over, I drew the curtains on the sunny day outside, curled myself up into the foetal position on my bed and wept my heart out for Carol and her crew of cyber-goth chums.

I had been a bad boy and the boards resident cat smotherer “Spooky Devil Mistress” was quick to pick up on this.

It was now time for hardened cynic Prophet Kyo to follow on from Spooky Devil Mistress and add his two cents.

Shortly after reading his response, I challenged the pedantic prophet to a spelling bee contest, and he duly accepted the offer. Over 3 hours passed before we had a winner. Pyro eventually choked and misspelt pretentious which meant I came out as the winner. I honestly do not know how he managed to misspell a word which I’m sure people remind him of everyday.

Some of the other members reactions were quite intriguing.

There we have it folks, I am now officially a freelance writer. It makes me sound like Julie Burchill doesn’t it? I may look like a spent old woman but I assure you I am not one.