tommy boyd started his lively career working in a snooker hall in west brom where he had dancing contests with furry young local terry grittiths. grittiths who was shit at both snooker and dancing decided that one day it would be best if he killed tommy boyd and stole his dancing shoes. fortunately for tommy – mr grittiths was shit at killing people too.

tommy although a dab hand on the green baize decided his talents lay elsewhere. on the 5th may 1976 mr boyd cut a 4 track EP titled “mother thersa yer limbs are frisky but you’re tongue aint” and sent it off to the newly established creation records label.

the EP was enough to attract tommy a marginal fringe fanbase in the north east, where anti-thersa sentiment was at an all time high. this may well have had something to do with her mocking of people with ginger hair and her scoffing of the regional supply of smokey bacon crisps on her recent visit to the area. tommy played a one off concet for his geordie followers on top of the angel of the north – but unfortunately got struck by lightning whilst performing the epic track “cilla black – the answer is no”.

undeterred, boyd began to take a great interest in the man above. he was greatly attracted by all religions. during an experiment into the catholic church’s outlook on the relationship between gluttony and fried fish, mr boyd was arrested at st columbo’s chapel for the spirtually fucked, after swearing during a sermon on how to pull out without snapping your spine. after the priest had used the word “cock” for the 375th during the sermon, tommy dropped his fish to the floor and let out an almighty “fuckkkkkkkkkk”.

this most unfortunate episode made front page news and resulted in much verbal abuse in the streets from paralysed war veterans. once again boyd pulled through against the odds, transforming his image and dedicated his life to thermoarticarseary. thermoarticarseary revolves around the belief that all animals living in the artic regions emit radio signals from their arse holes.

however, these are no ordinary signals and can change substantially from animal to animal. for example depending on the animals yearly intake of gristle one could either hear a recording of nelson mandela reading back his predictions for this saturdays premiership games, or if one is particularly lucky they can tap into a high coup read by the founder of thermoarticarseary, john virgo.

due in part to luck and persistance mr boyd was able to capture all 10 of john virgos high coup’s and was awarded the highest honour that can be bestoyed upon a thermoarticarseary knight – the royal cad. when one becomes the royal cad, a therometer based loosely upon the size of geoffrey archers twanger is lodged up the cad’s arse where it stays for good. realising the difficulties this could bring to a man of his stature, mr boyd fled and decided to open his own golf course.

before he could buy himself the golf course, tommy would have to find a sleeping partner. no, not of that sort you rotten minded elf! the fellow was temporarily short of cash and needed an investor. he called his good friend jim mcdonald and asked him if he was interested. after a hearty 3 hour discussion on the merits of beating a fuzzy haired old twat around the head with a sand wedge, recording her screams and sending the resulting tape off to david blunkett for his own listening pleasure, jim agreed and the business began.

the venture was an out and out success for the first 2 weeks – managing to attract the attention of H.R.H the Prince of Wales. tommy challangd charlie to 18 holes – with the condition that if he won he would become the new prince of wales. as expected mr boyd was demolishing charlie for the first 17 holes. however on the 18th hole thomas’s approach shot fell astray into a sand trap, where aul jim had retired for the night after yet another spell of drinking and rough sex.

jim – being in quite a state decided to stuff the golf ball up the prince’s arseholio (after being taunted by the high one on his ability to down the brown). tommy being the honorary gent automatically forfeited the game. both him and jim were banned from coming within a mile of the prince (or 100 miles when carrying golfing paraphenalia). they ended up selling up shop, with tommy dedicating the rest of his life to cheap italian beer, loose women and literature. the end.