If you’ve ever been to Scotland you will understand how important Irn-Bru is to the culture, heritage and pride of the country.

For the uninitated – Irn Bru is a soft drink which is mostly obscure in nearly every part of the world bar Scotland. It’s taste is rather hard to describe, but if you were to mix cherry cola with piss and strain a volume of ginger pubic hairs in there for several days you would be along the right lines.

Travelling up from England you know you will have hit Scottish territory by the volume of empty Bru bottles and cans strewn across the countryside. You might also notice the peculiar ginger cows. They are Aberdeen Angus and the reason why they are that colour is because of Bru poisioning.

If you dislike Irn Bru up North you are as good as an illegal alien. In order to be a True Scotsman you must love ‘Irn Bru’, ‘Take The High Road’ and Kilts.

If you fail on any of these counts you will have “No Bru” branded into your forehead with a hot iron. By Scottish law it is perfectly legal to fuck an Irn Bru container at anyone who may have such a brand.

On June the 8th 2005 esteemed Scotsman Bob McBojit was cornered by a gang of young hoodlums who knew something was not right about the fellow. They started by asking him if he had any Irn Bru on him. When he replied to the negative the ruffians were appalled.

They looked around immediately for the nearest phone box in order to alert the Town Chieftain so that McBojit could be branded like so many other heretical Scotsman.

McBojit thankfully managed to escape by grasping the bottom of each of the men’s kilts and pulling it over their heads before twirling them around for an hour or two and finally fucking them into the River Clyde. Which consequently is also full of Irn Bru so no real harm came to the men.

The traditional Scottish meal is a battered Mars bar soaked in a bare minimum of 1litre of Irn Bru. Most high street stores are forced by Scottish Law to allocate a small portion of their premises to serve as a “Bru bar” stall.

Companies found to be in breach of this order incur much the same punishment as those individuals found hating Irn Bru but instead “No Bru” is graffitied onto their shop window where punters may punt the shop windows at will with Bru cans.

If you live in Northern Ireland or Scotland you might recognise the statement “I’m signing on to the bru”. The bru of course being another name for Jobseekers allowance. Well by now the origin of the word should be obvious. People who tend to call the Bru by another name will again receive the No Bru tattoo and will have their money ceased.