The Junction One Ginger Kid

I hate homemade advertisements for a number of reasons. Firstly, they are tacky as fuck. Secondly, they are annoying as fuck. And last and by no means least, they are shite. The new Junction One commerical is no different. Well……..it would be different if it wasn’t for one section of the advertisement in which a Ginger Kid exclaims “Ahoy shipmates!” for absolutely no reason.

I have nothing against children. I was one once. Free of cynicism and bile. Oh, how that’s changed over the years. Anyway, yeah. I just don’t understand why they had to select a child who was so bloody well annoying.

First and foremost he’s ginger. Secondly, he looks like an elf. Thirdly, he has a godawful English accent. Fourthly, who the fuck shouts “Ahoy Shipmates!” these days? I mean to the best of my knowledge it isn’t International Talk like a Pirate Day. There is no call for it. Fifthly, he probably smells. Sixthly, he made me stab myself in the forehead with a plastic chippy fork, I was that irked by his performance.

Hucknall…….he was once a Ginger kid too. Fuckers the lot of them.

I get the impression that Junction One have done this deliberately to piss me off. They must have done some character research on me, found my pet hates and then auditioned a number of children to see if any of them had all of the characteristics to suitably pish on my parade. They knew that I would end up writing this article, giving them some free press. Clever bastards.

Well the truth is I am never ever going to Junction One now. Not that I was ever planning on going. Regardless, this advert has really made my mind up for me. Even if I was to go I would have to don a radiation suit along with a gas mask just in case that little fucker is there. I cannot risk catching the Gingers off him. I’m already growing ginger hairs in my beard which is enough. That might be down to excess ginger beer consumption though. Hopefully..

I do think people should have to attain a licence from me before they can exist. It would seriously allievate a lot of the problems arond the world today. Tubby Ginger Kids would only be permitted to live in Kilmarnock and small desecrated areas of West Lothian. They would have a curfew placed upon them which restrains them from going outdoors whilst I’m awake. Ideally no Ginger Children would be allowed on television either. Unless they are not annoying. Which is highly unlikely.

I’ve been emailing Junction One all morning asking them if we can come to some sort of agreement about this. I’ve explained that my health has seriously went downhill ever since setting eyes upon that red bastard porker. I can feel Black Death closing in. My bowels are about to be obliterated along with the rest of my vital organs. Unless Junction One do the right thing and terminate their campaign of hate against me and all of the other sane people of Northern Ireland.