I used to be in love with Jeremy and his show when it first replaced Trisha on the 9:25am slot on ITV. It’s hard to truly understand why in retrospect as the man is a gremlin creature of the highest order. It must have been that Trisha had outstayed her welcome.

Kyle’s guests are completely repugnant in comparison to Trisha’s. The amount of drug addict wife beaters that appear on early morning television has risen to an all time high.

I find myself throwing slippers at the television shouting “Ger off with ye” half the time. And usually I am rather apathetic towards such broadcasting.

Jeremy tends to bring on a snivelling whalewreck of a woman, who weighs close to 30 stone, has one tooth left and has craters the size of golf balls in her face where her hubby has beaten her with a spiked running shoe.

The audience will cheer. She will break down and Jeremy will attempt to comfort her. When Jeremy fails to cure her blues he’ll ask her what’s the matter.

To cut a long story short the woman will dictate her life story. Usually she was orphaned on a doorstep in Brentford at the age of 3 days. And was taken in by alcoholics, adopted by a religious cult and then fostered by a family of crazed serial killers until she met her knight in shining armour whilst hoking through a skip at the age of 13.

The audience will begin to weep and applaud. Until she describes what an utter cunt her husband is. Boos will begin to ripple in the crowd. Kyle will acknowledge this. And then…

“Let’s bring on our next guess, It’s Derek everyone. Remember! He’s a cunt! Don’t go too hard on him.’

Derek will come in and he’ll be a wafer thin 18 year old with vacant eyes who tries to run over and stab his wife with a pen. The bouncers will put a stop to this pathetic attempt and wrestle the young hoodlum to a seat.

Kyle will begin with the “patronising cunt” routine where he tells the fucker about how he knows he’s not a bad lad and that his behaviour is only excusable because he comes from a family of cunts.

If Derek manages to repent and break down and confess all of his sins down to Lord Kyle, the host will promise that he will take him to a Brentford City football match. The audience will once again applaud seeming to forget about the wife’s confession.

Jeremy will always close off a couples story by asking them if they want to leave together through the same door or not. If they choose to the audience will usually applaud. Unless of course Derek turns out to be a real fuckwit. Like a mass-murderer with a hunger for heads or something. Then they might boo if the girl chooses to leave with him or not. But probably not in reflection.

I just wish they’d put Jerry Springer back on in that slot. It was much more comforting.