This isn’t exactly a natural follow on from the ‘are spides hippies’ article. But it is a rant nonetheless and a fucking good one may I add.

It has come to my attention over the last few months just how fucking similiar spides and goths are. It really is frightening.

To start this off here is a well known but rarely mentioned fact – most spides and goths eat ridiculous amounts of pickled onion monster munch. Whereas spides eat such a snack simply to survive, most goths only down the merchandise in order to try to look even more like the ‘Archibishop of Lard’ Robert Smith (see below).

EBM, Darkwave and Trance music

Just in case you are coming from a neutral standpoint here and don’t know what the fuck i am warbling on about, spides tend to listen to a brand of hi-octane roller-shite music called happy hardcore. For a sampler, take a visit to your local town centre on a friday night. Most citreon saxo’z will pour out a blend of noise resembling the midway point between an earthquake and a series of elephants fucking. This my friend is happy hardcore.

Goths listen to a different kind of music called EBM. Christ knows what it stands for. It’s true title is “unhappy hardcore”. If you mix the music of scooter with the lyrical ingenuity of a sub par morrissey impersonator, you’ve nailed it. Right on the fucking head.

What i’m trying to say is that happy hardcore and EBM are identical as musical genres. They are both fucking terrible. It’s like subjecting yourself to your own tormented wails after you’ve stapled your tongue to a passing train. Take some time to listen to the two musical samples below if you are having any trouble understanding this.

The Stuff Goths Love
The Stuff Spides Love

This is becoming a headfuck

Right. lets try to make sense of this now. on one side of society you have goths. Far far away to the right you have spides. They are fucking poles apart! why are they listening to the same music?

Well ever since the early 90’s, spides and goths realised that they could conquer the world as a united force if they could patch up their differences. They knew that they could eat away at the fabric of society and watch it all fall apart at the seams if they could only merge and live as one! One by one decent people on earth would lose the will to live. Men and women alike would be forced to either submit to their will or kill themselves.

By subjecting us to their ridiculous taste in both music and clothes they are continually pissing over our quality of life. If this trend continues Velvet Acid Christ will release a cover of a 50 cent track. And it will get to number one. And it will stay there for 50 weeks. There will be no escape. You will only be able to buy black pvc pyjamas upstairs in primark. Buckfast will be the only drink available in offies.

In short, everything will be totally shit. So as a solution i propose that the next time you see either a spide or a goth, kick them. hard. In the nads. It will be much more beneficial to society than happy slapping in the long run. Trust me.