Shitting In Public Toilets = No

As you might have read before in the “Taking A Shit” article I am fond of relieving myself. It helps me to relate to my cultural heritage. It makes me feel like a man.

However I cannot understand how people can shit in public toilets. Or even school toilets for that matter. I remember in school having to use the toilets after some constipated shit-guaze of a man who would spend more time than is necessary trying to coach one out.

You’d enter the cubicle after he had finished and you’d try the fuck not to look down into the bowl. You’d make a pact with your brain. Brain! Do! Not! Look! Into! The! Fucking! Bowl! You would then undo your zipper and what with your brain being a complete twod and all it would look down into the murky depths of the can and you’d see this one perfectly round doughy ball of shit.

Bewilderment would ensue in the form of “What the fuck? Should my shits be like this? My shits are usually shaped like lobsters rather than mini cheese footballs. What am I doing wrong? Am I not eating enough fibre? Am I eating too much? Oh the alienation!”

Your train of thought is interupted for a little bit as you try to demolish the shit ball with your line of piss. And the sad truth is you even feel dirty pissing on someone elses shit. You might as well be sticking your hand into the bowl and mashing it up in your hand. So instead of pissing directly on the fucker you try to piss around the edge of it to create a wave at the bottom to try to make it float more. This little clump of shit for the moment anyway has become your toy boat.

Then the ship begins to sail far too much and it begins to freak you out so you decide to aim for the edge of the bowl. You are going for the top corner of the john and are now looking away to prevent yourself from playing anymore games. But then it happens. The noise of your piss hitting the bottom of the toilet is interupted with a hissing drizzily noise.

You know you’ve missed the target and you now have a dillema on your hands. Fuck that! Check your trousers first actually! Is there a damp patch? No! Thank fuck, onto the dillema. Shall you leave the mess for some other fucker to clean it up or should you complete the task yourself.?

If you decide to go for the latter you are going to have to find yourself some toilet roll. If this is in either a school or a low grade public toilet you will encounter toilet roll that is more resemblent of bacon than tissue paper.

You will now have to position the toilet paper directly under your foot and you will have to trail your foot back in forth until either the tissue disintegrates into the pond of piss or until you’ve cleared up most of the mess. In most situations the former will be the outcome. Your attempts to clear up the mess have made everything worse. There is now a pissy shapeless gue of paper on the floor which you are never going to pick up unless you want to begin vomiting. It is best to now leave the bathroom as quickly as possible refusing to make eye contact with everyone.

Don’t forget to wash your hands on the way out.