Robert Smith

Name : Robert Smith

Goth Name : The Archbishop of Lard

Rank : Lieutenant-Colonel

Joined the forces : 1984

Smith is by far the most popular member of the Goth brigade. His career as podgy lead singer of Goth rockers the Cure has won him and the Goth movement a hell of a lot of converts.

The singer is currently head of discipline for the Goths. If any Goth is caught grinning even momentarily, Bob telephones the men in black coats who lead the merry criminal kicking and screaming into the back of a black ambulance which heads back home to the House Of Goth.

The victim is then strapped to a stretcher, left in a cold cellar for days where they are subjected to torture from Bobeth. Usually this takes the form of Bob dressing up in a skin-tight PVC nurses uniform, suggestively munching away at a battered Crunchie whilst his victim, whose eyes are usually crazy with hunger tracks every munch that Smith takes of the bar.

Robert is somewhat famous for his ties with the Nestle corporation. There have been rumours recently that Smith is interested in acquiring the company for a fee of in excess of £130 million. If his bid is successful Bob will be able to feed his inquenchable lust for Kit-Kats on a permanent basis. Expect to never see the Cure perform live again. Expect Nestle to start producing chocolate coated bats within a month. Expect goths all around the country to balloon in size in salute to the hairy one.