Purple Ohms are a relatively new contender to the Herbal High Throne hailing from the Head Fuel Highs brand. Ohms contain a rather unique blend of chemicals which as of lately have never really been mixed into a capsule before including Hawaiian baby woodrose, acorus calamus (it sounds more like a topic in geometry than an ethnogen) and the British public’s new favourite – piperazine blend.

Ohm my God. These will fuck you up……..unless you are built like an elephant. Then you’ll still feel a little bit shagged.

On a whim I decided to buy these one day as there was nothing on television later that night and it was either this or a half bottle of vodka and some bad Echo and the Bunnymen records. I took all 3 in one go and thought nothing more of it until 5 minutes later when my heart beat crept up a notch. I examined my face in the mirror and my pupils were already slightly dilated.

This was all quite odd as very little else happened for another couple of hours. I went through the usual routine of thinking that I had been conned. I decided to turn the light off, retire to bed and put on the television. I lay around for quite a while feeling nauseous. The illness was not helped by the fact that BBC’s sports host Hazel Irvine was staring back at me with a strangely benevolent grin from the telebox. It was all very odd.

I knew all was not right when I began surveying the dimensions of Irvine’s head. I started up a debate with myself over whether someone had created her with a 3d multimedia authoring program and implanted her in my television, forgetting to inflate her head correctly along the Z-axis. Catching yourself thinking such a thought can be quite a shock to the system, particularly when you were relatively sober before that moment.

I decided to cower behind the sheets and hope that mind would wheel away from the current unpleasantries. What followed however, proved to be much worse as over the next 2 hours the experience turned into a self analytical nightmare. The greatest question on my mind at the time was “Why the fuck did you take these? Could you not have bought a large Cheese Pick N Mix out of Tesco’s instead?”.

Sometime during this spell I began to see colour differently. The colours from the television seemed to flare out making some bizarre patterns. It was a distraction at least, anything that took my line of thought away from cheesey snacks and cube headed snooker presenters was a fucking bonus. I thought I was home and dry. I was actually beginning to enjoy the experience. The nausea had long since subsided and I enjoyed lying there stewing on my bed. Things were to take a dramatic turn for the worst.

Hazel Irvine – The trippers worst enemy?

After the snooker ended I suddenly became very paranoid. Had the billiards been the only thing keeping me sane over the last 3 hours? What the fuck would I do without it? How would I survive? It certainly was a valid question as right at that moment I witnessed something that I would not wish upon my worst enemy for what I saw was Ellen MacArthur’s disembodied head hovering ever so slightly over my open underwear drawer. My mind recoiled in horror. I had, had enough, it was time for the internets.

So I got up from bed and staggered over to the computer and signed onto the Internet. It proved very difficult to focus on the monitor and when I finally managed to fix my gaze upon something bevelled images of Jim Morrison and Robby Kreiger of the Doors would appear everywhere as a backdrop. It looked neat at first but after an hour it became very depressing.

This had all been going on for around 4-5 hours at the time and the worst of the experience was over. At least the hallucinations were curtailing with the only major annoyance now being my increased heart rate thanks to the Piperazine blend. Thankfully, I managed to get to sleep soon afterwards and awoke the next morning alive, if not a little dazed and confused.

Purple Ohms were to say the least quite interesting and for those who are interested in them in the UK, you can buy them on the web here.