People who ask me “How’s it going?”

Whatever happened to a good old fashioned “hello” or “right mate”? These days I am confronted by people continually asking me “How’s it going” without them actually stopping to hear my response.

Since when has “How’s it going?” been a valid salutation between two acquiantances who have different places to go to? Am I the only one who becomes completely bewildered when this question is posed?

What the fuck are you meant to say in response if you are not planning on sticking about? You can hardly say hello as that will make you sound retarded. If you simply say “fine” it’s going to sound far too abrupt and you’ll come across as an ignorant twod.

It doesn’t help either if you like the person who asks it. You are completely cornered. Unless of course you take a direct course of action.

The next person to subject me to this monstrousity of a question will hear exactly how it is going. I will start by turning around and running after them, violently pumping my fists in the air squealing “You’re going hear about it all! You’re gonna hear about how I nearly shit myself on the train to university this morning when I saw the size of the boil on the train conductors neck!”.

“You’re gonna hear about how I sit in my room at 4am in complete darkness wailing like a banshee about the futility of my life. I might even tell you about how paranoid I feel when I start sweating after walking up a flight of stairs and thank God when it rains as at least I can disguise the sweat through it.”

Life is stressful enough as it is without people confusing me even more. I’d rather experience the reincarnated spectre of Oliver Reed running bollock naked in the street attempting to communicate by waving his arms around into letterforms whilst blabbering “Aa—-BOOUUUUUUUUUUT YEEEE BIG LAD. DO YA HAVE A LIGHTTTTTTTT - AH NEED TO CATCH THE 4:05 TO EAST KILBRIDE!”.

Take my advice, next time you want to greet someone on passing in the street or a corridor, wink at them, pat them on the shoulder, shout ALRRRIGGHTTTT MATE or even shake their hand. Just don’t ask them how’s it going unless you plan to talk to them for a little while.