Pens are fucking redundant

Pens to me are just absolutely useless. I went through a stage of losing about 50 of them a week in school and I’d always end up having to shyly ask some fucker I despised for the loan of one during a lesson. There was nothing more confidence-sapping than having to plead with someone for a writing implement. You would feel like absolute shite. As time went by I learnt that my dignity was too important for any of that bullshit.

Towards the end of my academic tenure I used to pretend that I was writing with a pen. Yes! I would hold my hand in such a way and actually deceive others into believing I had a pen in there. It is amazing how something that seems so trivial becomes such a big thing when you do not have one and you are being ordered to write down notes on the physics behind the common vibrator.

I think its truly disgraceful that as students we have to use pens to write out our exam script. By 30 minutes into the exam I can barely move my hand at all. It usually spasms like a dog with an live electric current running through its collar. I mean this is the age of keyboards. Why can’t we use laptops to do exams or sommat?

Yummmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm. Aye to fuck mate.

It’s confession time good fellows. I’m a boy who eats pens. It started off with just nibbling the cap. I’d chew it up good and proper. Make sure that the straight bit was completely bent and maybe use it as a whistle. When this stopped being entertaining I would move onto the main part of the pen. I’d hoke out the ball thing at the top with my teeth and chew it up. This would usually end up being a teeth breaker but ultimately tremendous fun.

Once you’ve got the ball thing out you can start to attack the tube part of the pen. Well really you have two options, you can cease the destruction of the pen and actually make it into a peashooter. Get out an A4 page and start making yourself ammo and proceed to annoy the fuck out of the women across the room who will be completely unimpressed with your immature behaviour.

It’s best just to look back across at them, flex your pointing finger and declare “I’m not the one thats pregnant you temperamental cow. Go and jam a rattle up yer arse!”

If you are not up for the peashooter challenge then you can just continue on with the demolition job. Continue biting the top of the tube and bits of it will drop off. Plastic shards will begin to drop all over the table along with your slobber. In such situations it is best just to leave your slobber on the desk and if anyone reprimands you for leaving a mess just retaliate with a vacant loving stare before continuing on with your dissection of the biro regardless.

It will usually take you quite a while to break the tube right down so far that you must actually take out the bit with the ink in it. Once you’ve reached this stage you might want to celebrate by bending it in half. Try your best to make a cut in the tube as ink will begin leaking out. If you do get to this point you can start flicking ink at others by just bending it back and flinging it forth. The novelty will however wear off within time and you’ll have to dispose of the remnants of the pen.

Your hands will most likely be covered in ink. You can use this time to go out the toilets and run out of school and never come back. Any institution whose main currency is pens - isn’t worth the fucking kop.