Ugly, Funny Old People With Cute Small Dogs

Everytime I go out a walk I encounter old people walking their nasty little hounds around the block. The bastards always stare at moi and on occasion make a half arsed effort at a mauling but always pull away inches from my shoes. They must realise that I have quite a sizeable stomp.

I could accept this nonsense if I understood why old people own small dogs. Wouldn’t it make more sense if old people owned the massive fuckers that people in their 20’s walk? If you saw a 70 year old man walking a Great Dane with blood around its lips you would seriously think twice about trying to mug him.

Ok, bigger dogs might require a bit more maintenance but it pays for itself in the long run. Large dogs can carry larger things. You could even use something like a Great Dane as a dinner tray.

This is all part of my vendetta against small dogs. I seriously hate the fuckers. I’ll be walking down the alleyway towards work and some fucker behind a gate will jump out and start barking at me.

Less of this shit already please.

Before I ignored it. Now I’ve resorted to screaming “Get fucked yer scraggily cunt!” at them. Even if there owners are about. People need to get the message that small dogs are not really dogs at all. Dogs are fucking great, they are friendly, they may shit everywhere granted but so do babies and I can put up with them.

Small dog = big attitude. I think people should have to apply for a licence in order to be able to legally call what they think is a dog, a dog. Jack Russell’s are not dogs for instance. They should be referred to as “cunt ferrets”, poodles will be renamed “fluffy white rats” and chiuaua’s as “the fucking disgrace”.

I’ve noticed how old people always seem to give their dogs shit names like “Shep”, “Boy” and “Laddie”. No-more no-more! There should be a regulatory body which monitors the naming of the dogs preventing such shite names slipping through the net. If you want to call your dog by any goofy names you will have to have “soppy cunt” tattooed onto your forehead.

Acceptable names for dogs include “Winston”, “Norman”, “Edgar”, “Captain Shite-muzzle”, “Gonzo”, “Alfred” or any other unfashionable male names. Womens names do not tend to generally work with dogs, unless of course you own a poodle were only a female title will suffice - even if it is a man-dog.

The next fluffy fucker to bark at me is getting kidnipped, wrapped up in some Christmas paper with the tag “Eat Me!” being affixed to the parcel before I address it and post it off to Romania.