Neopets is Evil - Satan’s way of telling you that you’re fucked.

Anyone remember the Tamagotchi craze? Jesus Christ how I was addicted to those infernal bleeping bastards! I used to own about 30 of them at a time as a young ripper. Owning a virtual pet was such fun and moreover it took attention away from my actual pet which was a whiney skinny fucker.

So 5 years after Tamagotchi’s disappeared off the radar I discovered the Neopets site thinking “Yes, another chance to own a virtual pet. This time it doesn’t bleep and you can buy it all sorts of shit.” I gladly signed up completely unaware of the hell that would unsue over the following couple of months.

I started up by adopting a Pteri which is a dinosaur of sorts. I took an instant dislike to my new pet. Everytime I fed the fucker it told me I was the best. I was not willing to stand for such unashamed wankery so I cut myself completely off from the critter and decided to go and to try to make some money so I could buy……….fuck knows what really.

It is enough to send shivers down my spine. I am personally praying for the extinction of the Pteri.

And that was the beautiful thing about it all. You could have 6,000,000,000 Neopoints and you’d have absolutely nothing worthwhile buying. Sure you could go about reading your pet books and sure enough it would get smarter but to no actual avail.

There was no point. As the pets intelligence grew nothing happened to its intellect. It still came out with the same shit everytime I fed it (which by now was extremely rare). It still greeted you every morning with the same moronic grin even if it hadn’t ate since the Battle of Hastings.

Yet still for some reason I was addicted to the site. I setup my own little shop and decided to sell stuff to make some more neopoints. I thought that if I made enough points something good was going to happen. My Neopet might actually come out of the monitor and start making me breakfast. It might have even bring me up some headache tablets after a rough night out on the piss. Fuck it could even retrieve my slippers! But no! It was all too much to ask.

By this time I was spending about 16 hours a day on the website constantly restocking my shop using the Shop Wizard to locate cheap items. Still I did not know why I was playing this game. I started feeling a lot of shame about playing what was essentially a childrens game but I ignored my instincts and carried on. Until one day I snapped. The Pteri had went too far. It went and got itself ill and I hadn’t ate for about 56 hours.

If I could not find a way to kill the Pteri I would have to find a way to kill myself. It was either me or the dinosaur. I made a snap decision and searched all of Neopia for a shotgun but to no avail. The Pteri breathed a sign of relief. I then tried to abandon the fucker in the adoption agency thing and it tried to guilt trip me into not abandoning. I wasn’t standing for it’s bollocks so I kept clicking abandon and eventually it fucked off.

To my surprise my account was still open and by this time I did not trust myself with the computer. I had to find a way to get myself banned from the website. So I made a post on the forums informing all Pteri owners that I was going to come after all of their pets, extracting their teeth one by one before strapping a big bomb to their tail. Within 5 minutes I received an email from the Neopets team informing me that I had a warning. I told them to stick their warning and my account got deleted. I was overjoyed.

My days of computer addiction seemed to be in the past. But then came Championship Manager…………