Perhaps the greatest question mankind has ever had to face is that of the musician. Of course there are many varities of musician, those who play rock, those who play country, those who know what soap is, those who obviously dont. Listed below are some defining characteristics of the average musician
Tone Deaf | Busking | Fashion | Autographs | VCR Licking | Creatures Of The Night | Gas Stations
Many so called musicians are completely tone deaf. To test if your favourite musician is tone deaf or not, either listen to them live, or raid their home looking for the latest Bruce Springsteen LP (ahem)
Almost 60% of all musicians have some form of facial hair. Whilst most people agree that this additional hair is used solely for public image purposes it has been speculated that the majority of musicians have insects crawling all over them and the facial hair acts as a very effective trap to strand the little critters.
Another common characteristic of the average musician is alcoholism and its subsequent effects on the persons lifestyle. Whilst your favourite musician should technically be a millionare, it is more than likely that he/she has spent all of their money persuing the rock and roll lifestyle (ie getting totally smashed out of their head in the local bar) Many musicians who are at least a little bit competent attempt to busk for money, pieces of bread or half full cans of Carlsberg
Horrendous sense of ‘fashion’. Personally the word fashion sends shivers down my spine, simply because many of these bozo musicians are seen as the pioneers and figureheads of fashion. If a musician was to walk into an awards ceremony wearing an empty sack of potatoes that would be the latest craze.
As you may have seen musicians can sign autographs at a frightening rate, one would suspect that this was because of the amount of times they have signed items for fans. Those people are sadly mistaken. The average musician spends more time signing forms in police custody for alcohol related offences than paying attention to their fans
On the note of alcohol, you will never see a musician purchasing head cleaner for their VCR, simply because their corrosive saliva carries out the same action as the traditional ethanol-based cleaner. It is not uncommon for the average musician to open up the case of their VCR and to begin licking the video heads clean
It has been generally accepted that the majority of musicians have superhuman powers and can see in the dark due to their enormous levels of narcotics intake. This is not the case, most musicians have trouble identifiying light because they are primitive cave creatures who spend 99% of their time holed up in a rehearsal room, bed or a bar.
Another interesting characteristic of the musician is their bizarre fear of gas stations. Maybe its to do with the fact that many gas stations are in remote places and are often prone to armed robberies. However this is not the reason. The musician is a walking fire hazard. On many a hots summers day, many musicians have instantaneously burst into flames due to the fact that there body is generally composed of vodka, thus it is too much of a risk for a musician to approach a gas station in case they triggered an enormous explosion
One Response for "Musicians Guide"
im a wanker, 3 times a week and twice on a sunday. i like it. its good.
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