The Anti Chav - Kill Chav Scum Now!
Sometimes it is necessary to take the life of another human being. Its an unfortunate symptom of the human condition. Wars are a testimony to that. Regardless of any moral issues, it can be beneficial to society to actually take chavs out. In the following article I’ll explore several well-versed methods on chavocide.
Walk up to a Chav and tongue kiss him in front of his mates.
This will surely ensure a suicide. His peers will mock him continually for failing to resist your approach. It comes at a cost though. After all you will be kissing the daft bastard and fuck knows what diseases you’ll catch off him. Possibly chlorea or the whooping cough.
In order to pull this one off successfully you must be able to brush off a chav attack with either CS gas or a crate of Buckfast. If you whip out the crate you can either use the bottles as a weapon or simply offer them as a gift to the gang. Be aware that if you take the latter approach they may try to fuck you over the head with a bottle. This however is unlikely as it would be a waste of precious alcohol and to the chav massive such an event must be avoided at all costs.
In saying that they could down the buckfast on the spot and use the empty bottles against you. Either way you must be on your guard if you want to live. You must also be secure within your sexuality. If you are seriously offended when people call you gay this approach may not be for you.
Use a power hose on your target
Chavs enjoy being filthy and you can exploit this weakness to your advantage. If you see your target walk past your home, immediately attach the hose to the tap and walk out with it behind your back and ask him if he would like to come into your abode and watch a dog giving birth. As you may well know most Chavs are completely fucking perverted and will not turn down this offer.
Before he can get into your house, brandish the hose and blast him down good and proper. If you get him continually for a minute he will surely die of heart failure. See dirt to a chav is like the powder on butterflies, if you manage to rub it off you’ll fuck up the insects orientation and to put it plainly, it will be fucked. It will shrivel up and die. The same kind of idea applies with chavs.
If you want to take out a crowd I suggest attempting to hijack a water cannon from your local army base and using that on the desired group. You’ll take the fuckers out in no time. You might have the army at your door in no time too though.
The Lynx Car Bomb
For this one you will sadly have to give up your car. It’s quite simple. Go into your car and spray several cans worth of Lynx Africa all over the vehicle. Once you are done do not lock the car. This is important. Make sure you disable any alarm systems. Leave the keys in the ignition too.
Then when night falls a chav will be attracted towards the motor by the scent, they will probably break into the vehicle even though the doors open. This isn’t really that important. Once they are in the car they will try to drive away, but before they do they will spark up a celebratory cigarette and BAM!!
The fag will result in a fucking massive explosion and the obliteration of your victim. If you want to create a really big explosion, make sure you use about 100 cans of Lynx. Although in this case your house windows might be blown in. Along with your whole streets. Still, it’s better safe than sorry isn’t it?
Death By The Evil Brown Wok
The premise of this is quite simple. You’ll need a fishing rod, a wok and a small quantity of marijuana. Attach said marijuana to the end of the fishing road and reel it out as far you can go and walk with it. Make sure you are hidden well, preferrably behind a car. Sooner or later you’ll smell piss. This will be a signal that a chav is in the area. Start reeling in the dope using the strength of the smell of the piss as an indicator to how far away the chav is, reeling faster and faster as the whiff becomes more pronounced.
Timing is of great import here. When you cannot handle the smell anymore, jump out and ambush the fucker with the wok. Proceed until battered and bruised. If you are particularly lucky he’ll die of shock on the spot. If not pull your trousers down and shite in his mouth. This should be enough to ensure a quick death. I guess it all depends on the size of your ass. If your cheeks are small then it might take a bit longer.
The Long Lost Father Routine
Since most chavs will have undoubtedly lost contact with their fathers long ago you could spring this one on your victim. For it to work properly you must have a series of physical defects. I suggest either genital warts, floppy man breasts and/or an obscenely stretched asshole.
When you see your victim in near proximity quickly undress and run up to them and hug them whilst hollering “I’m yer fucking da, mate!” continually. Make sure that your physical defects are only too apparent to the chav. Undoubtedly your new surrogate son will be tripping off his head on low-grade acid and will be therefore be open to suggestion. Make sure you state that all of your defects are genetic and that he has no absolutely chance of escaping from them. Bat your eyelids at him. And remember to smile. From ear to fucking ear.
Again either his brain or heart will explode. If you are lucky you might get both popping.