Karel Fialka - Hey Matthew

This song is a definite contender for the worst song ever recorded and it’s freaky as fuck to boot. Why was it ever even published? I don’t think my ears have experienced anything as brainrottingly futile (and that is saying something, boy have I subjected them to some shite over the years!)

The theme of the composition seems to be about safeguarding the future for our children by restricting their access to television. And this was in the 80’s when the most offensive program on television was ‘Murder She Wrote’.

It all starts with an innocent enough circus ditty which is repeated at random points throughout the score. This is followed by a bizarre social commentary by Karel directed towards his son which includes a perplexing question in the form of “Do you see the cat, do you see the mouse?”. Well use your imagination Karel, if your son is watching Tom+Jerry there is a good chance that one of the two characters will make an appearance at some stage in the show y’know?

For once I think I will refrain from commenting as this picture well and truly speaks for itself.

It goes on. And as it all progresses it becomes ever more pretentious.

Nothing however will prepare you for the enormity of shite that is the chorus. The song changes gear and a haunting strings score is introduced with his demented son Matthew ranting over the top of it. Bare in mind that he was about 5 at the time. It’s far more unnerving than the Exorcist ever was thanks to the hysterically deluded refrain “A-team! A-team! I see the A-team!”.

And just as you think it is about to finish the circusy section starts again. This is followed by another verse which is identical to the first. Fialka sounds like Neil Tenant tripping on belladonna, at any moment you are expecting his voice to break into it’s natural satanic form and for him to commence throwing abuse at the Creator.

Incidentally nothing this exciting ever happens. The verse just seems to continue on with one of the most depressing drum beats since Joy Division’s ‘Decades’.

After 2 minutes of listening to this you will probably begin lapsing into unconsciousness. It is for the best that you choose a sitter who will intervene if you decide to start smashing your head off your desk in utter despair. It has happened to me before.

And still it goes and if you have been paying any attention to the song so far you’ll know whats coming next. Yes, it’s that fucking chorus again and the psychotic young hoodlum continues to list bad T.V. shows from the 80’s.

Finally the song ends with one of the most bewildering anecdotes of all time. Young Matthew informs the audience that “it’s all a game, I hope, I hope”. What Matthew is referring to is up for debate. At least it would be if it was worth debating. Personally I am more interested on why he feels he needs to repeat “I hope” twice. Why could he not have just placed emphasis on the first “I hope” and left it at that? Does he wish to extend our turmoil for as long as possible?

And the answer is yes as it’s about another minute before the cacaphony finally winds down and you can begin contemplating the sheer horror of the last 5 minutes.