You’ve known it all your life, but Jesus of Nazareth hates your ugly face. He hates your rancid breath. He hates how you talk, walk and cough. Everytime he stares down at you from Heaven he wants to punch you repeatedly in your flat lifeless face, just to gain revenge for the rest of us who have to put up with smelling you throughout the day.

Of course, I jest. Jesus does not have the time to be hating the likes of you. He’d much rather devote his hours to playing put-put golf on the clouds with Jerry Falwell than spend anymore time than necessary glaring back down at you.

The truth about Satan and Hell is that neither exist. Both are imaginary. Both were created by the church to control your mind. They were an evil ploy to get you to repent for being a bad little fishy so that you’re more than eager to donate your money to the church.

Now be a good little monkey and give all you can to the church. Go on now, shoe!