I Miss Quizmania
Who would have thunk it? Ever since Quizmania made the transition from ITV1 to ITV2, I have been unable to fill the massive void left by the show. Why not watch it on ITV2 I hear ye ask? Well, being a technophobe I refuse to acquire one of those fancy set-top boxes. I am happy with terrestial television. You don’t need more than 5 channels on TV otherwise you start channel-hopping restlessly in fear of missing the ultimate T.V. program which just doesn’t exist. Yet you fear it might.
I’ve just been watching The Mint and I must say it’s shit. If Quizmania was your standard tarty hoe, then The Mint is a 30 stone Haitan prostitute strutting the kerbs with only a worn brown windbreaker to shield her massive frame from the world. Not that The Mint is in anyway massive. Apart from being massively shite of course. It lacks the magnetism that pure desperation can only bring.
Y’see the producers of The Mint seem to have pumped more resources into the project. For part of the show they hire a Z-list celebrity to sit in the studio to talk with the host. Well it’s usually a Z-list celeb but tonight it was Jim fucking Bowen. It nearly broke my heart to see him on there partaking in such filth.
Kilroy Silk must make an appearance on The Mint. Kilroy Silk must die on the Mint.
It takes so much pressure off of the presenters. Everyone knows they are talentless and that’s the thing that made Quizmania special. It kept you on edge. It kept you wanting more. You were eager to hear how they handled the speed-freaks ringing up for the 141st time of the night with an answer to a game that ended 2 hours ago. You knew at any point the presenters could have lost control of the show resulting in the programme randomly going off air at intervals during the night.
Now you have people like Bowen who are seasoned professionals who can handle any chaos that may surface without batting an eyelid. It’s just far too polished and showy.
These programmes need to be far more confrontational if they are to win my approval. A couple of weeks ago The Mint had Ricky Tomlinson on and they missed an opportunity to create some explosive telly by failing to allow punters to ring in and start heated political debates with the star of the Royle Family. Granted Tomlinson’s arguments would have been restricted to his usual “kill everything that isn’t fat and scouse” rhetoric but with a bit of effort they could select someone who would attract a response from the British Public.
Robert Kilroy Silk would be a good start. They could even have a special “So You Think I’m A Cunt” line just for the likes of him where people can leave recorded messages which are then transmitted unscreened and at random throughout the show. Silk would of course have the opportunity to dismiss such allegations and if he failed to do so effectively within a set time period then he could be gunged Fun House style. Although instead of using gunge they could use sulphuric acid. Or piss.
Bonus rounds on the show could involve punters guessing how many millilitres of acid it will take to remove all of the skin from Mr Silk’s face. Winners will collect a set jackpot and Kilroy’s skull through the post. Although the latter should be optional.