I Hate Colin Montgomerie

I don’t know what it is with Monty but I cannot handle the sight of him. So much so that whenever he is on television hari-kari becomes a feasible option. It is that bad. He is just the epitome of staleness. He reminds me of a trapped cabbage fart in an airing cupboard. He’s everything that is wrong with Britain. He isn’t remotely entertaining. He wears horrible jumpers. His face resembles a possums cunt.

I do love it when he loses. Everytime he’s on I pray that he makes a double bogey at every fucking hole. It really makes me chuckle when his temper flares and he starts chucking his clubs about like a right tosser. I would love to be on the green of the 18th hole when hes 2 shots ahead of all of the competition in a major tournament and fire one of my shoes at him or something. His reaction would be priceless.

He’d probably start by firing his club down to the ground. He would then pick it up and run over to me and I would be like “Montgomerie, do not come any closer or else you will be moving permanently to Enuchville.” Terrified by my empty threat he would turn his back and begin swinging his clubs around, trying to break them over his knee. Only failing badly and injuring his rickety old peg.

I would love to shout “Hard cheese monty!” whilst he’s lying on the green cradling his hurt limb. “Yer not so fucking smug now yer stale old bastard! You’ll never win again! You always were shite! The only reason you ever even had a shout at being a champion was because everyone else was ballix when you first started!”

By this stage his face would have transformed into a lovely shade of red, seething equally in pain and anger. It would be truly glorious. I’m nearly in tears of joy here just thinking about it.

Anyway yes. Montgomerie is a bad loser. And bad losers are shite. I’d far rather be a bad winner. It’s what being British is all about…. mocking your own shortcomings and rubbing it in your opponents face when you win. I abhor professionalism. I hate when people shake hands at the end of a competition. I would far rather spend 20 minutes heckling the fucker. Mocking them until they are red with rage.

Monty really wants to act like this, only he doesn’t have the guts. He has his reputation in the clubhouse to uphold. He has to convey an air of professionalism otherwise the bar will stop serving him free brandies after competitions. Fuck that like! I would have a great deal more respect for him if upon winning he walked up to Sam Torrence, put him in a headlock and started bouncing around with him on the fairway with both of them together looking like a pair of balding siamese kangaroos.

It would add a bit of personality to an otherwise drab sport.