How To Make Yourself Puke

There are times where puking is a necessary evil. Just ask Karen Carpenter and Lady Diana for the cold hard facts.

On many occasions I’ve been out on the piss and came home thinking “I feel alright, let’s go to bed” only to be awoken at quarter to 4 with a violent stream of vomit guldering out of my mouth and nostils.

Let’s face it, vomiting isn’t pleasant. It’s one of the most painful and embarassing functions your body has at it’s disposal. In saying that there are times where it is necessary to get it out of you.

“Better out than in” is a philosophy that all successful barfers have adopted at one time or another. Anyway enough of the waffling, below are a few guidelines on how to make yourself vomit. And fast.

1) Buy some Andrews Liver Salts. Follow the instructions on the side and barf your way to bliss. Make sure that no-one is around, particularly if you want to be discreet about this. You will be roaring like a lion and the last thing you want is your father to walk in to the bathroom in his boxers whilst your head is half buried in the sink.

2) Spin around in circles. This method is a classic and it’s one that often alludes the eager young barfer. Spin really fast for about 3 minutes and when you stop, think about the time you walked in on your elderly grandmother having a shit. Picture her sitting there, bemused by your unannounced entry. Recall the smell, that weird twang of decaying vegetable matter and 10 year old rotten meat.

3) Watch other people vomit. If you are squeamish enough this should set you off too. If no-one is being sick around you try watching some vomiting videos on You Tube. You’ll gain extra marks on the barfing stakes if you try to puke in time with the people onscreen.

4) Most people find Man Breasts revolting and with good reason. Use Google Images to try to locate some particularly disturbing photos and with any luck you’ll be on the road to barfville in no time.

If not, try looking at the picture above. Imagine him flapping his breasts in your face. Imagine him asking you to taste his breast sweat. Lick it in! It tastes like the pork chop fat and egg white. With a bit of sulphur thrown in for good measure.

Go on! Get the bucket out for fucks sake!

5) This next one is extremely effective for those of you who do not clean your ass properly after taking a shite. Smell your underwear. Give them a good wiff. Stare at the brown marks embedded within the cotton and try to visualise images like you would with cloud formations. Tilt your head at different angles if this doesn’t work immediately. Spinning your head in circles will make the onset of nausea happen much faster.

6) And on the same issue, Rate My Poo is a useful resource if you want to make your stomach heave. I’ve found that you can treble the nausea by listening to Belle and Sebastian records whilst browsing through the images on the site.

7) Visit McDonalds, order a big Mac and bring a copy of Fast Food Nation by Eric Schlosser with you to read whilst eating. If that isn’t enough to send you over the edge, walk into the toilets and observe the mess on the floor. Inhale as much of the surrounding air as you can.

8) The next one is the old classic. Stick your fingers down your throat. This can be quite hit and miss so I recommend you smear the tips of your fingers in something unpleasant such as denture fixture fluid or dog mess.

9) Make a pass at a hard looking creature of the same sex in the street. With any luck they’ll punch you in the stomach and the evil brown juice will begin escaping from your gob in no time. Just pray they don’t smack you in the face.

10) Try googling “Shit on my face!” and visit the first site that appears. It can be quite effective if you have an imagination on you. If not, ask someone to do the dirty deed on you……..