The chances are that if you’re reading this blog, then you’re already an asshole so you won’t need to drink anything to become one.

On average I start to become an asshole after about half a bottle of Whiskey. I will start waltzing about town with a traffic cone lodged on top of my head, flash my cock at the cops and steal chips from the local fish shop.

It’s not until I’ve consumed a full bottle of whiskey that the real carnage begins. During this phase my body will clink into hunter-gatherer mode and I’ll begin surveying the landscape for anything that could potentially be tasty, whether it’s a KFC, the cat next door or my own fist.

If I can not get anything to eat, then I’ll deliberately piss and shit myself out of spite. I only ever do this when I’m in another persons house. There’s nothing like smudging my ass into their sofa just to leave them fond memories of my night out at their house.