Never has any theme tune depressed more than the Hollyoaks effort. I’d be lying in bed after watching an episode of the Simpsons and I’ll be drifting off to sleep.

I’ll reach the twilight zone when suddenly my nap is interrupted by a disturbingly vulgar riff on the guitar and by-fuck I know whats coming next!

The most distressing thing about it is that I ate my remote control for the T.V. so I either have to get up and switch it over manually or just lie in bed and suffer it. Usually I just turn over and attempt to smother my head against the wall to stop me from hearing any of it, but it is not always successful.

I cannot believe that the same fellow who was responsible for Brookside is also responsible for this absolute toss.

Introduce both Jimmy and public beheadings to the show. That is all.

The storylines may be rather similar to the ones acted out by the teenage characters in Brookside but that is where the similarity ends. Firstly the people in Hollyoaks are instantly detestable.

I’ve watched the program on about 150 different occassions and its hard to differentiate between the characters as they all seem to be just terribly naff. Every one of the fuckers look and sound the same.

Where are the older characters? I mean all soaps have a few bumbling characters who save the programme from becoming completely irredeemable. Brookside had Jimmy Corkhill. Home & Away has Alf Stewart. Neighbours had Harold Bishop before he became a twat.

Hollyoaks has nothing to offer the man who demands more from the “televisual experience”. There is none of the hilarity present in Shameless. It’s just dire teenager after teenager complaining about how shit life is.. Where are the suicides? The huge explosions? The uncontrollable fires?

Where the fuck is Jimmy Corkhill?

Why don’t they get that girl who is an alcoholic to run around stabbing people with a broken beer bottle? She could start by beheading her mother with it.

And then she could run around drinking all of the alcohol available within the confines of Hollyoaks before killing everyone. At the end of the spree her liver could blow up to give the storyline a moral.