http://www.drunkenhero.com Mon, 03 May 2010 19:14:36 +0000 http://backend.userland.com/rss092 en We're looking for crazy bastards out there to tell us their stories about the crazy shit they've been up to over the years. You can submit your story by filling it into the box on the right hand side of the page and we'll publish it if it's a) funny and ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/have-a-crazy-funny-drunk-story-to-tell-us-all.html I hate talking to strangers in the street. Usually I'll have nothing to say to them of interest and they'll have nothing interesting to say back either. If I see someone approach me in the street who wants to initiate a small talk session I have to be immediately sick. ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/making-small-talk-with-strangers-in-the-street-is-an-absolute-waste-of-time.html Hi-5! Fuck's sake what were Halifax thinking commissioning this dire piece of shit? None of the characters in it are remotely likable. It doesn't make any sense. It made me want to bludgeon my balls in with an ice pick and fuck an empty bottle of Hooegaarden at the Television. The fat ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/i-hate-the-new-halifax-hi-5-advert-with-the-fat-ginger-woman-and-the-other-ugly-bearded-fat-fuck.html I hate Dancing On Ice. As if ITV's schedule couldn't get anymore puerile after the likes of 'I'm A Celebrity' they force this pile of shit down our throats. Who the fuck wants to watch Dr Hilary Jones skirting about on the Ice like a little girl? It's bad enough ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/dr-hilary-jones-is-a-fucking-arsehole-and-i-hope-he-falls-repeatedly-on-his-ass-on-dancing-on-ice.html The Blue Lotus flower has been used in aromatherapy for hundreds of years and it's gaining popularity as a legal high as well. Many people have reported pleasant effects from mixing some Blue Lotus oil with wine. It's said to make the drunken state much more pleasant and fulfilling. If you're ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/blue-lotus-flower-extract-and-its-psychoactive-drug-effects.html Kanna is becoming increasingly popular as a herb amongst people who want to feel at ease and not have to endure the typical psychedelic experience. It has been researched extensively by scientists and it has been proven to reduce anxiety in people who consume the product on a regular basis. ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/kanna-herb-effects.html Socialists are soulless vessels, intent on destroying society as we know it just to bolster their own egos. If you've never met a socialist before, then you aren't missing much. Most of them stand outside in the rain, waving placards about, asking you to sign a petition for some cause ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/i-hate-socialists-i-hate-all-left-wing-types-in-northern-ireland.html Fuck's sake, I despise the word 'socialize'! Why the fuck would anyone want to deliberately stay in a groups company? It's the most depressing thing in the world. Pubs to me, are absolute sewers. Every time I go into one sober I immediately realize why I have to ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/there-are-no-good-ways-to-socialize-without-alcohol.html The chances are that if you're reading this blog, then you're already an asshole so you won't need to drink anything to become one. On average I start to become an asshole after about half a bottle of Whiskey. I will start waltzing about town with a traffic cone lodged on ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/how-much-drink-you-will-need-before-you-turn-into-an-asshole.html Eckhart Tolle is one sexy motherfucker. I've spent many an hour listening to his recordings, basking in my own presence and basically having a ball thanks to his teachings. In case you don't know who he is, Eckhart Tolle is a new age guru who believes that in order to achieve ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/eckhart-tolle-is-a-fake-and-is-the-anti-christ.html You've known it all your life, but Jesus of Nazareth hates your ugly face. He hates your rancid breath. He hates how you talk, walk and cough. Everytime he stares down at you from Heaven he wants to punch you repeatedly in your flat lifeless face, just to gain revenge ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/jesus-hates-you-satan-loves-you-and-hell-doesnt-exist.html No, of course not. That's because there is no such thing as a soul and no such thing as an afterlife. Of course, most people I know rightly hate their relatives, so if there was a soul, then it would be gleaming with joy as the person would be happily ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/does-part-of-your-soul-die-when-a-relative-dies.html If you've wasted your life so far by being one of the good guys, then consider your life up to this point null and void. All of that shit they taught you in church won't get you anywhere in life. You were force fed that shit so that society could ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/it-is-pointless-being-a-good-person-with-morals.html Christ I'm tired of these whining snivelling bastards polluting the radio. You might be thinking that Snow Patrol are easy targets, but who gives a fuck, they deserve to be targets. Whenever I hear a Snow Patrol record I just want to die on the spot. And not in a good ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/i-hate-gary-lightbody-and-snow-patrol-suck-ass.html Run at them with your dick out. Run at them and ask them to smell your smelly trout of a bell. If you're lucky, they'll run for the hills, if you're out of luck then you might end up being tugged off like a sailor. If they threaten you, do not ring ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/how-to-deal-with-noisy-chav-neighbours.html There isn't really any real trick to having emo hair it seems, other than growing a fringe and neglecting to care for it. Here are some of my current 'favorite' emo hairstyles. Here's an example of someone who has taken color and the fringe to the extreme. Fuck knows how she ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/emo_hairstyles_-_haircuts_for_the_mentally_challenged.html Persecuting emo kids is incredible fun for all the family and there are rumors that it'll be commissioned into an Olympic Sport in time for the 2012 London Olympics. Here are some of my favorite ways to keep emos miserable! Why don't you give it a try too? Remind them continually ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/cheer_up_emo_kid_.html Emos, ever find it difficult to say exactly what you want to in life? Well here is a list of some popular sayings that you might want to adopt into your everyday speech!" General Severe Depression "God seriously shit on my soul when I came out of the womb. I wish He'd ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/emo_quotes_and_sayings_that_youll_find_useful_in_your_black_little_lives.html I'm sick of this shit. I'm sick of seeing emo's tongue each other every-fucking-where I go. I'll be walking out of Subway and they'll be literally fucking on the seats outside. And you can't say anything without sounding like a homophobe. And you can tell these fuck-wits aren't gay. They'll only ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/emo_boys_kissing_-_being_gay_cooler_than_cutting_and_razors.html So you really want to be an emo then? You should seriously check yourself into a mental asylum. I mean if you're really that desperate to get laid turn gay. It's more profitable in the long run and a lot quicker. Besides emo always leads to bum sex of one ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/how_to_be_emo_-_may_the_emo_people_rise.html I didn't actually know what Emos were until the other day but apparently they are a bunch of teenagers who roam around graveyards by night on the hunt for equally tormented souls and Subway sandwiches. Essentially they are exactly the same as Goths only they listen to 'My Chemical Romance' ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/emo_kids_-_goths_in_a_fucked_generation.html According to an article printed in the Sun today, it is now legal for women to pleasure themselves in public throughout the UK. This wouldn't be so bad in itself if men weren't prohibited from the exact same act. It's not something I really want to see either way when ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/women_pleasuring_themselves_in_public_-_what_next.html So it seems as if my family have been reeled in by all of this free broadband malarkey offered by Carphone Warehouse through their Talk-Talk service. I'd be indifferent about it if it weren't for the fact that I had the opportunity to ring BT to request a MAC code. ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/crossing_over_to_talk-talk_-_bye_bye_bt.html Who would have thunk it? Ever since Quizmania made the transition from ITV1 to ITV2, I have been unable to fill the massive void left by the show. Why not watch it on ITV2 I hear ye ask? Well, being a technophobe I refuse to acquire one of those fancy ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/i_miss_quizmania.html Thats right. You can do it here. You know you've always wanted to. http://www.drunkenhero.com/feed_pete_doherty_drugs.html There are times where puking is a necessary evil. Just ask Karen Carpenter and Lady Diana for the cold hard facts. On many occasions I've been out on the piss and came home thinking "I feel alright, let's go to bed" only to be awoken at quarter to 4 with ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/how_to_make_yourself_puke.html Recently it seems as though chavs have become the scapegoats in modern society. Every head on car accident, smashed window or knife attack is attributed to the baseball cap donning masses. Some would say that this is persecution. And they may have a point. I however couldn't possibly give less ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/chavs_and_suicide_things_you_must_do_before_death.html There is a long documented history surrounding the relations of the chav and the common sheep. Over the past few centuries many of our wooly comrades have suffered vicious sexual assaults at the hands of the British underclass. This behaviour is simply not acceptable and by investigating the possible motives ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/chavs_sheep_and_sex.html I hate homemade advertisements for a number of reasons. Firstly, they are tacky as fuck. Secondly, they are annoying as fuck. And last and by no means least, they are shite. The new Junction One commerical is no different. Well........it would be different if it wasn't for one section of ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/the_junction_one_ginger_kid.html Sometimes it is necessary to take the life of another human being. Its an unfortunate symptom of the human condition. Wars are a testimony to that. Regardless of any moral issues, it can be beneficial to society to actually take chavs out. In the following article I'll explore several well-versed ... http://www.drunkenhero.com/kill_chavs.html