Christian Evangelists/Born Again Christians Scare The Holy Jesus Out Of Me

I’ve been told by a few people I am the antichrist, which might explain why I am constantly flanked by Christian Evangelists whilst out on the piss at late night. What is it in particular that makes me afraid of them? Well how long do you have, oh patient visitor?

One of the most intimidating characteristics of the Christian Evangelist is their sheer determination. They will do almost anything to win your soul. Anything. Sometimes this may involve a cup of tea or a hotdog. Sometimes a wagon wheel and a cup of orange squash. Usually they will just shout at you for a while whilst furrowing their brows. Either way its aggro and it is not necessary.

It is becoming increasingly common to encounter these people at night, doling out phamplets to anyone with hands. I encountered some of them a few months ago on the way to a pub. I saw 6 sillouhettes in the distance and thought “Oh fuck, my life is over!”. Then I saw that the people in front of me were in fact overcoats and then I knew immediately who I was contending with. It was the God Squad.

I knew what was coming next. “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your saviour?” the tall one whispered. Being a smartarse I eagerly replied “Aye, he’s my ma” And as you might expect that left them in the lurch for long enough to escape in haste.

The next day, I reflected back on this encounter and soon agreed that my conduct was quite shoddy. I should have in fact asked one of them where they got their overcoats and how much it would be to print a personalised message on them. But no. I had to be a smart arse.

I’ve encountered these people during the day too. Mostly in village squares. A lot of them have guitars. And a lot of them are shite at the guitar. At times I have had the overwhelming temptation to approach them to make a song request, asking them if they know any Hendrix or Beatles classics. The worrying thing is I know they would probably play a track like that and replace the original lyrics with a cheesy ode to Christ.

It seems to me that most Evangelists are just drunks who got burnt out on booze and drugs and on one Sunday morning after a particularly bad acid trip, attended a Free Presbyterian sermon and were transformed in Christ. The worst thing is in 15 years time I know I will become an Evangelist and your child will be out on the town and I’ll be out hasseling them with my spiritual wares.

I will be the one throwing empty polythene cups at them ordering them to either Repent or to prepare themselves for the fiery cauldrons of hell. That said, I think I’d make a damn good preacher. I’ve got the gift of the gab. After all I’ve been bullshitting people on this website for over a year and those skills are easily transferable over to Christianity.

It would mean I would have access to those customisable overcoats too. Oh the possibilities.

“And Jesus said, fuck me raw!”

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