Chavs, Sheep and Sex (i.e. Dirty Men Having Sex With Sheep)

There is a long documented history surrounding the relations of the chav and the common sheep. Over the past few centuries many of our wooly comrades have suffered vicious sexual assaults at the hands of the British underclass. This behaviour is simply not acceptable and by investigating the possible motives for such seemingly unproked attacks we’ll hopefully be able to reduce the rate at which these unfortunate events occur.

The Blow Up Sheep Will Often Result In The Blown Sheep

Sex shops have a lot to answer for. The Blow Up Sheep has made an institution of sheep fuckery amongst chavs. Stocking these things is basically like saying “Aye well Mate we don’t have any real sheep on the premises, so here’s a plastic one which should do you until the next time you are up in the country. And by the way, the next time you are sitting on top of a real one, give it a dick slap for me. *wink wink*”

In this modern age such conduct is completely unacceptable. Our ancestors are to blame for this sickeningly glib attitude to animal harassment. Charles Dickens, for one, used to spend much of his time in the Penines sprinting after farm yard animals with a big black dildo. Maybe this helps explain why his books were so shite.

Apparently he was made a knight for his ability to shag sheep into submission. See back in those days people were extremely primitive and they believed that sheep were capable of staging a coup at any time, with the primary objective being the establishment of a sheepy-autocracy in Britain.

The Queen decided at the time it was best to wage an offensive against this threat, using all of her countrys worst poets to sodomise sheep into sweet submission. Not that they needed any encouragement, mind. Writers of the time had been looking for an excuse to partake in such sexual immorality for centuries. In fact it is rumoured by many top English scholars that Shakespeare wrote The Merchant Of Venice whilst in between the legs of a Barbados Blackbelly, almost 200 years before serious tension began building between sheep and humans.

Today we need to take affirmative action against those who wish to indulge in such acts. We must protect our sheep against the unsavoury chav massive. We must boycott adult retail outlets who make light of sheepophilia, sending them bubble wrapped shits with 1st class delivery until they cease in their evil ways.

Taking action against sheepophile chavs

1) When you are on a long walk through the country make sure you bring a high calibre assault rifle with you at all times. If you see a sheep being attacked, empty 20 rounds of lead into the culprit’s heart.

2) If you are a sheep farmer you might want to print out numerous A4 photographs of British Comedienne Lisa Riley. Affix each of these prints to a sheeps back with sellotape. This should act as a deterrent to all but the most sexually frustrated of chavs.

3) Shield your sheeps privates with infra-red alarm corks. If a chav attempts to enter your animal the infra-red sensor will be broken resulting in a pre-recorded message from Alf Stewart sounding emphatically over a large tannoy system. Something along the lines of “Oi mate! Someones sticking a pink one in yer sheepy shielas!!!” will suffice.

4) You might want to recruit Harvey Walden to help increase fitness within your sheep. Ask him to give your animals some soccer training. With any luck this will strengthen their leg muscles, giving them a much more pronounced kick. This should increase each creatures chance of defending themselves against an assault.

5) You could try wrapping your sheep up in razor wire. This would make a sexual assault almost impossible unless the perpetrator wishes to lose his dick during the process. The downside is that such an approach would make natural sheep breeding hazardous. However this would surely send out a clear message to the chav elite - do not fuck with our sheep.