Recently it seems as though chavs have become the scapegoats in modern society. Every head on car accident, smashed window or knife attack is attributed to the baseball cap donning masses. Some would say that this is persecution. And they may have a point. I however couldn’t possibly give less of a fuck. Most of them deserve it.

If you are a chav and you are contemplating suicide please read this checklist and ensure that you have completed all of the tasks before topping yourself with a blue WKD and your mothers sleeping pills. Otherwise your peers will look down upon you in Valhalla.

1) Have you stole a shopping trolley from Tesco’s, fucking it up and down footpaths, terrorising both the elderly and young children before finally pushing it onto the road/into the nearest river?

2) Have you went 3 weeks without washing? Have you sat around all day on a Sunday watching the Match of the Day highlights whilst admiring your own body odour?

3) Have you ever considering selling pirate CD’s through an advertisment in your local newspapers free advertisements section? Have you sent away the application form only to receive the threat of legal action from the publishers of the paper?

The existential despair experienced by chavs can sometimes be too great to handle. Just hold on.

4) Have you ever been thrown out of a hospital ward for smoking next to a patient? Did you resist their attempts with physical and mental abuse, threatening to put a petrol bomb through their window some day?

5) Have you ever bought a copy of FHM, Nuts or Zoo? Have you wanked over an A4 poster pullout of a Z-list celebrity with a face like a bulldog and tits like airbags from a Jeep? Did you then show this poster to your friends with wankstains and all embedded within the paper? Did you threaten to kick their shit in when they told you that she was an ugly bitch?

6) Have you scoured grassy areas at length in an attempt to find spare change? When this failed did you walk into a shopping precinct and mug an old lady? Did the old lady then proceed to kick you in the bollocks, with you being the laughing stock of your town afterwards?

7) Do you play Golf but have yet to play on a course? Do you spend long summer days knocking a golf ball around your local playing fields with a stolen golf club attempting to hit old men who are out walking their dogs? When you get bored do you go to the local links and attempt to pilfer sunk golf balls out of the water traps?

Have you ever considered snorting Anadin to see what effect it would have on you? What about Vodka? Is your bedroom floor littered with half empty cans of hairspray and lighter fuel?

9) Thought about starting an online business selling items that you’ve pilfered from the local waste disposal unit? Do you become sexually aroused by the sight of an abandoned skip? Is your front garden full of banana peels and empty binbags?

10) Do you have a friend called Dave who seems to Breed puppies for a living? When you go around to Dave’s house is his mother constantly mopping up dog piss and frying bacon in the pan? Does his mother resemble Meatloaf? Does she work around at the local chipshop? Do you suspect that she uses the battered sausages as a sex toy when things are slow in the shop? Have you actually ate at her chippy before and made passes at her whilst fucked on cider?

11) Have you ever stood outside Dixons for more than half an hour watching television? Do you give a shit when people stop to stare at you? Have you ever threatened to fuck them through the shopfront if they keep pestering you?

12) Have you ever worked as an assistant on an ice cream fan, helping to peddle smuggled cigarettes to schoolchildren for £2.40 a go? Have you ever considered stealing the ice cream van and using it to go into business yourself in the country?

13) Have you ever mixed more than 10 alcoholic drinks together at once with three of the ingredients being the piss of the guy/girl you fancy, her blood and white cider?

14) Do you consider the weekly trip on a Saturday night to the A&E department to be a pleasant ending to your night out? Have you ever considered holding your reception in such a building?

15) Have you kicked a vending machine hard enough for almost all of its contents to come out? Did the alarm sound? Did you then run straight into the arms of the security guard?

16) Have you ever shit your bed right through to the mattress and tried to fob off the accident on the dog? Did you refuse to admit to even when your parents threatened to taking to the vets to have him put asleep?

17) Have you ever thought about using your own dead body matter as bait on fishing trips?