Chav Drinks - How To Get Drunk (Like Passed Out Drunk) In No Time
Tired of wearing black all the time? Tired of working 9-5 in a job you hate? There is a simple solution, become a chav.
One of the keys to becoming a proper chav is through the consumption of various types of alcohol. Not any type of alcohol mind!
1. Buckfast tonic wine.
You are not a chav if you do not drink buckfast tonic wine. Simple as fucking that. If our lord himself were born in these times he would have been knocking on the door of the local offies at 2am demanding some of this brew. To put it simply "buckies" tastes like fortified shit, which is what it really is. It was first produced by mother thersa from her forest asylum in iceland shortly before her death. Her goal was to make a drink fit for royalty and by fuck did she do that!
In recent years drinking buckfast has become something of a culture. There are even songs dedicated to this dear drink and if you wish to hear them simply visit the local burger van at 2am in the morning. Be warned this can actually be quite dangerous. It might start off innocent enough with about 20 spides offering you a sip out of their buckies bottle. However if you don't comply to their generosity they will start by calling you a fucking hippy and end by pouring their bevvie all over yer.
You can pick some up from your local off licence for around £5 for a 750 ml flask. All in all it isn't really good value at all. Its actually quite shite. you are best off with the russian king of cool.
2. Lambrini
Lambrini is really the slag of chav drinks. You don't get many male chav's drinking it in public as it is marketed towards the chavettes/millies/hoop wearing bitches. If a male chav is caught with a bottle of lambrini by a group of his peers, he has to be ceremonial wanked off by the head chav around the back of the local bingo hall.
In Norn Iron lambrini is sometimes marketed as friscino. DON'T BE FUCKING FOOLED! It's still lambrini. The only difference is the price. Friscino often goes for about £2.99. So do your part for the community and say "fuck off" to independent off licences and shop at the multinationals (i.e. tesco). You know it makes sense.
Lambrini comes in different sizes and flavours. Typically you can buy lambrini in either 750ml or 1.5l bottles. You can get a 1.5l bottle in tesco for about £2 which is fucking good value i'd say. Lambrini tastes even better when you mix it with the tesco own brand ginger beer (the strong stuff rather than that watered down brown lemonade shite that some vendors would attempt to fog you off with.)
3. Pavlov (a.k.a the russian king of cool)
Pavlov is quite a remarkable vodka and is a growing phenomenon throughout the uk. It is the only vodka that i can think of which costs less than £7 for a 70cl bottle (£6.34 in tescos). In this case the price is reflected in the taste. This should only matter if you prefer vodka straight (which most chav's do). If the tastes proves to be too harsh you can dilute her with some tesco value coke or ginger beer (depending of course upon one's budget).
If you are to become a true chav you must master the art of downing two of these bottles on a saturday night. Straight from the tin. Down a drizzly, pissy alleyway. If this is not your cup of tay and are looking for a challange you could always acquire a trench coat with a huge inside pocket. You could use this pocket to smuggle a bottle of pavlov into a nightclub. Your challange is to last in the nightclub for over 5 hours without being turfed out on your nads. You must take a toilet break every hour, finding a vacant cubicle where you can begin downing the goods. You must not spend more than 5 minutes at any one interval swigging otherwise you are a cheating bastard. You've been warned.
4. Puff (poof) juice
Warning : you will not climb the chav hierarchy by ever resorting to drinking puff juice on a friday. Puff juice was a term conjured by the spidey masses to describe all of the drinks which fall under the category of alcopop. Puff juice can range in quality quite a bit, but it is typically all shit. For instance it is quite difficult to find an alco-pop which is stronger than 5% , costs less than a £10 per litre and won't give you about 30 different types of cancer per swig.
To put it simply puff juice is the last refuge of the desperate and should only be tolerated when drunk on a family outing to wetherspoons. Even then you are treading on very thin water.
5. frosty jacks
Once upon a time there was a cider called White Lightning and it was considered the king of the shit cheap ciders. Sure it may have devoured the lining of your stomach like a killer seal with tourettes. Nevertheless it did the job.
When Frosty Jacks was introduced onto the market, White Lightning was instantly dethroned. The scary thing about frosty's is that it is actually enjoyable if you dilute it with 9 parts of blackcurrent cordial.
For around £2.50 you can acquire a 3l bottle which is quite frankly, dirt cheap. Downing a whole bottle of frosty's is not a kick up the arse off being equivalent to devouring a 10 glass bottle of vodka. Which really is quite unhealthy. But then again if you are a student you might as well.
I only put this image here because i couldn't find a picture of frosty's.
6. aftershock
Aftershock is the bevvy of choice amongst king chav's.
In order to become a king chav, one must first gain the respect and admiration of his flock by wearing shockingly unoriginal "threads" and breaking into old peoples homes and beating them to within an inch of their life. Once this inital phase is complete, the regular chav metamorphises into a king chav by peddling Class A's to school children.
Aftershock is as vital to the uk chav scene as beer was in viking Norway during the years of Thor and Stig Inge Bjornebye. It is not uncommon to enter a bar in any part of the British Isles and see chav royalty ordering a pint of aftershock. In fact up and down the country the pint is overtaking the shot as the default measure of the drink.
you cannot buy aftershock from your local offies unless you convince the cashier that you are a king chav. you can either do this by producing your king chav i.d. card or by grabbing her by the hair and smashing her head off the cash register until she submits to your will. Either way a bottle will set you back by about £13. It is well worth it in the end. You'll be sweating like a king.
Tramp Juice - Reviews of the best super lagers on the market.
Special Brew May Well Change You
One of the keys to becoming a proper chav is through the consumption of various types of alcohol. Not any type of alcohol mind!
1. Buckfast tonic wine.
You are not a chav if you do not drink buckfast tonic wine. Simple as fucking that. If our lord himself were born in these times he would have been knocking on the door of the local offies at 2am demanding some of this brew. To put it simply "buckies" tastes like fortified shit, which is what it really is. It was first produced by mother thersa from her forest asylum in iceland shortly before her death. Her goal was to make a drink fit for royalty and by fuck did she do that!
In recent years drinking buckfast has become something of a culture. There are even songs dedicated to this dear drink and if you wish to hear them simply visit the local burger van at 2am in the morning. Be warned this can actually be quite dangerous. It might start off innocent enough with about 20 spides offering you a sip out of their buckies bottle. However if you don't comply to their generosity they will start by calling you a fucking hippy and end by pouring their bevvie all over yer.
You can pick some up from your local off licence for around £5 for a 750 ml flask. All in all it isn't really good value at all. Its actually quite shite. you are best off with the russian king of cool.
2. Lambrini
Lambrini is really the slag of chav drinks. You don't get many male chav's drinking it in public as it is marketed towards the chavettes/millies/hoop wearing bitches. If a male chav is caught with a bottle of lambrini by a group of his peers, he has to be ceremonial wanked off by the head chav around the back of the local bingo hall.
In Norn Iron lambrini is sometimes marketed as friscino. DON'T BE FUCKING FOOLED! It's still lambrini. The only difference is the price. Friscino often goes for about £2.99. So do your part for the community and say "fuck off" to independent off licences and shop at the multinationals (i.e. tesco). You know it makes sense.
Lambrini comes in different sizes and flavours. Typically you can buy lambrini in either 750ml or 1.5l bottles. You can get a 1.5l bottle in tesco for about £2 which is fucking good value i'd say. Lambrini tastes even better when you mix it with the tesco own brand ginger beer (the strong stuff rather than that watered down brown lemonade shite that some vendors would attempt to fog you off with.)
3. Pavlov (a.k.a the russian king of cool)
Pavlov is quite a remarkable vodka and is a growing phenomenon throughout the uk. It is the only vodka that i can think of which costs less than £7 for a 70cl bottle (£6.34 in tescos). In this case the price is reflected in the taste. This should only matter if you prefer vodka straight (which most chav's do). If the tastes proves to be too harsh you can dilute her with some tesco value coke or ginger beer (depending of course upon one's budget).
If you are to become a true chav you must master the art of downing two of these bottles on a saturday night. Straight from the tin. Down a drizzly, pissy alleyway. If this is not your cup of tay and are looking for a challange you could always acquire a trench coat with a huge inside pocket. You could use this pocket to smuggle a bottle of pavlov into a nightclub. Your challange is to last in the nightclub for over 5 hours without being turfed out on your nads. You must take a toilet break every hour, finding a vacant cubicle where you can begin downing the goods. You must not spend more than 5 minutes at any one interval swigging otherwise you are a cheating bastard. You've been warned.
4. Puff (poof) juice
Warning : you will not climb the chav hierarchy by ever resorting to drinking puff juice on a friday. Puff juice was a term conjured by the spidey masses to describe all of the drinks which fall under the category of alcopop. Puff juice can range in quality quite a bit, but it is typically all shit. For instance it is quite difficult to find an alco-pop which is stronger than 5% , costs less than a £10 per litre and won't give you about 30 different types of cancer per swig.
To put it simply puff juice is the last refuge of the desperate and should only be tolerated when drunk on a family outing to wetherspoons. Even then you are treading on very thin water.
5. frosty jacks
Once upon a time there was a cider called White Lightning and it was considered the king of the shit cheap ciders. Sure it may have devoured the lining of your stomach like a killer seal with tourettes. Nevertheless it did the job.
When Frosty Jacks was introduced onto the market, White Lightning was instantly dethroned. The scary thing about frosty's is that it is actually enjoyable if you dilute it with 9 parts of blackcurrent cordial.
For around £2.50 you can acquire a 3l bottle which is quite frankly, dirt cheap. Downing a whole bottle of frosty's is not a kick up the arse off being equivalent to devouring a 10 glass bottle of vodka. Which really is quite unhealthy. But then again if you are a student you might as well.
I only put this image here because i couldn't find a picture of frosty's.
6. aftershock
Aftershock is the bevvy of choice amongst king chav's.
In order to become a king chav, one must first gain the respect and admiration of his flock by wearing shockingly unoriginal "threads" and breaking into old peoples homes and beating them to within an inch of their life. Once this inital phase is complete, the regular chav metamorphises into a king chav by peddling Class A's to school children.
Aftershock is as vital to the uk chav scene as beer was in viking Norway during the years of Thor and Stig Inge Bjornebye. It is not uncommon to enter a bar in any part of the British Isles and see chav royalty ordering a pint of aftershock. In fact up and down the country the pint is overtaking the shot as the default measure of the drink.
you cannot buy aftershock from your local offies unless you convince the cashier that you are a king chav. you can either do this by producing your king chav i.d. card or by grabbing her by the hair and smashing her head off the cash register until she submits to your will. Either way a bottle will set you back by about £13. It is well worth it in the end. You'll be sweating like a king.
Sexy Drink Links
Tramp Juice - Reviews of the best super lagers on the market.
Special Brew May Well Change You