Run at them with your dick out.

Run at them and ask them to smell your smelly trout of a bell. If you’re lucky, they’ll run for the hills, if you’re out of luck then you might end up being tugged off like a sailor.

If they threaten you, do not ring the police otherwise they’ll try to intimidate the hell out of you and your family. The best option is to buy a really huge angry dog and set it on them if they start to become really obnoxious.

To be on the safe side, it is best that you cork your dog’s arsehole, just in case one of the chavs tries to mount your dog and hump it for what he’s worth.

Trust me, your dog’s mental health should be considered paramount.

Recently it seems as though chavs have become the scapegoats in modern society. Every head on car accident, smashed window or knife attack is attributed to the baseball cap donning masses. Some would say that this is persecution. And they may have a point. I however couldn’t possibly give less of a fuck. Most of them deserve it.

If you are a chav and you are contemplating suicide please read this checklist and ensure that you have completed all of the tasks before topping yourself with a blue WKD and your mothers sleeping pills. Otherwise your peers will look down upon you in Valhalla.

1) Have you stole a shopping trolley from Tesco’s, fucking it up and down footpaths, terrorising both the elderly and young children before finally pushing it onto the road/into the nearest river?

2) Have you went 3 weeks without washing? Have you sat around all day on a Sunday watching the Match of the Day highlights whilst admiring your own body odour?

3) Have you ever considering selling pirate CD’s through an advertisment in your local newspapers free advertisements section? Have you sent away the application form only to receive the threat of legal action from the publishers of the paper?

The existential despair experienced by chavs can sometimes be too great to handle. Just hold on.

(more…)

There is a long documented history surrounding the relations of the chav and the common sheep. Over the past few centuries many of our wooly comrades have suffered vicious sexual assaults at the hands of the British underclass. This behaviour is simply not acceptable and by investigating the possible motives for such seemingly unproked attacks we’ll hopefully be able to reduce the rate at which these unfortunate events occur.

The Blow Up Sheep Will Often Result In The Blown Sheep

Sex shops have a lot to answer for. The Blow Up Sheep has made an institution of sheep fuckery amongst chavs. Stocking these things is basically like saying “Aye well Mate we don’t have any real sheep on the premises, so here’s a plastic one which should do you until the next time you are up in the country. And by the way, the next time you are sitting on top of a real one, give it a dick slap for me. *wink wink*”

In this modern age such conduct is completely unacceptable. Our ancestors are to blame for this sickeningly glib attitude to animal harassment. Charles Dickens, for one, used to spend much of his time in the Penines sprinting after farm yard animals with a big black dildo. Maybe this helps explain why his books were so shite.

(more…)

Sometimes it is necessary to take the life of another human being. Its an unfortunate symptom of the human condition. Wars are a testimony to that. Regardless of any moral issues, it can be beneficial to society to actually take chavs out. In the following article I’ll explore several well-versed methods on chavocide.

Walk up to a Chav and tongue kiss him in front of his mates.

This will surely ensure a suicide. His peers will mock him continually for failing to resist your approach. It comes at a cost though. After all you will be kissing the daft bastard and fuck knows what diseases you’ll catch off him. Possibly chlorea or the whooping cough.

In order to pull this one off successfully you must be able to brush off a chav attack with either CS gas or a crate of Buckfast. If you whip out the crate you can either use the bottles as a weapon or simply offer them as a gift to the gang. Be aware that if you take the latter approach they may try to fuck you over the head with a bottle. This however is unlikely as it would be a waste of precious alcohol and to the chav massive such an event must be avoided at all costs.

In saying that they could down the buckfast on the spot and use the empty bottles against you. Either way you must be on your guard if you want to live. You must also be secure within your sexuality. If you are seriously offended when people call you gay this approach may not be for you.

(more…)

This isn’t exactly a natural follow on from the ‘are spides hippies’ article. But it is a rant nonetheless and a fucking good one may I add.

It has come to my attention over the last few months just how fucking similiar spides and goths are. It really is frightening.

To start this off here is a well known but rarely mentioned fact – most spides and goths eat ridiculous amounts of pickled onion monster munch. Whereas spides eat such a snack simply to survive, most goths only down the merchandise in order to try to look even more like the ‘Archibishop of Lard’ Robert Smith (see below).

EBM, Darkwave and Trance music

Just in case you are coming from a neutral standpoint here and don’t know what the fuck i am warbling on about, spides tend to listen to a brand of hi-octane roller-shite music called happy hardcore. For a sampler, take a visit to your local town centre on a friday night. Most citreon saxo’z will pour out a blend of noise resembling the midway point between an earthquake and a series of elephants fucking. This my friend is happy hardcore.

Goths listen to a different kind of music called EBM. Christ knows what it stands for. It’s true title is “unhappy hardcore”. If you mix the music of scooter with the lyrical ingenuity of a sub par morrissey impersonator, you’ve nailed it. Right on the fucking head.

What i’m trying to say is that happy hardcore and EBM are identical as musical genres. They are both fucking terrible. It’s like subjecting yourself to your own tormented wails after you’ve stapled your tongue to a passing train. Take some time to listen to the two musical samples below if you are having any trouble understanding this.

The Stuff Goths Love
The Stuff Spides Love

This is becoming a headfuck

Right. lets try to make sense of this now. on one side of society you have goths. Far far away to the right you have spides. They are fucking poles apart! why are they listening to the same music?

Well ever since the early 90’s, spides and goths realised that they could conquer the world as a united force if they could patch up their differences. They knew that they could eat away at the fabric of society and watch it all fall apart at the seams if they could only merge and live as one! One by one decent people on earth would lose the will to live. Men and women alike would be forced to either submit to their will or kill themselves.

By subjecting us to their ridiculous taste in both music and clothes they are continually pissing over our quality of life. If this trend continues Velvet Acid Christ will release a cover of a 50 cent track. And it will get to number one. And it will stay there for 50 weeks. There will be no escape. You will only be able to buy black pvc pyjamas upstairs in primark. Buckfast will be the only drink available in offies.

In short, everything will be totally shit. So as a solution i propose that the next time you see either a spide or a goth, kick them. hard. In the nads. It will be much more beneficial to society than happy slapping in the long run. Trust me.

1. Chippy Food (Chipper Grub)

Chavs are quite similiar to moths. Not only are they both hairy, irritating and hopelessly fucking daft – they both seem to have one track minds. Whereas the moth gains most of its entertainment from the lightbulb, the chippy proves to be the chav’s playground.

It is a well known fact that all chippies are owned by greasy chav bastards who look up the skirts of their 14 year old chavette employees. If you do not believe me, make a visit to the chip shop during the day and ask to see the owner. The big cheese will look almost identical to the fellow below, I shit you not!

Why do chavs love chip shops? Its quite a hard one. There are several theories. Firstly chippies only employ chavettes. Most chavs see it as their duty to court these young skags by harassing any other customers who do not dress in the same style. If Dame Chav is suitably impressed by the young Chav’s exploits she will invite him back behind the counter for a quick fuck in the chip fat.

Whereas this would be potentially fatal for all non-chav’s, the build up of fat in the skin from fast food consumption in the average Ratboy will prevent any possible burns. Eat chips every evening, morning and night for a few years and try it out yourself! If you are feeling suicidal, try it out now. Ask for a fry and fuck meal at your local chippy today!

The other main theory concerning the popularity of the chippy amongst ratboys is quite similar to the last. From around the age of 13, charvers develop a curious syndrome called the “Night of the Battered Cock”. The symptoms are unmistakenable. The charver will experience a recurring dream based in their local chippy. They begin to chat up a particularly greasy chavette. And before long they will begin stabbing away at each other like sexually deformed rats.

Just before the deed is done, the chavette will grab them by their manly rope and will jam it in the deep fat frier. I think you can see where this is going.

The menu in an average chippy will be limited to one of the following; chips, hot dog, onion rings or a burger. If you ever decide to eat in a chippy I seriously recommend that you avoid the burgers as they are fucking rancid wherever you go. I remember on one fine occassion in Belfast, I ordered a burger from a rather inconspicious looking chipper and winded up with a combo of lettuce, pineapple, onion and tomato inside my bap. Be warned.

Depending upon the quality of the establishment it may be possible to order battered confectionary. I know for a fact that it is a legal requirement for chip shops in Glasgow to sell battered mars bars and bounties. And hell, why not? They are great.

2) Tesco Value Beans

This is not a broad generalisation. It is the goddamn truth. Tesco Value Beans are a staple (and in most cases the only) part of the diet for all chavs in the UK today.

This is not about money – or a lack of it either. Tesco Value Beans are in. Big time. To have baked on tomato sauce on your face is like a big badge of honour saying “Don’t fuck with me, yar cunt or else I’ll fuck ya over”.

It is becoming so much of a craze that many chavs have experimented with using the beans as a non-permanent hairdye. According to my good friend Steeky the colouring gives your wig a radical ginger glow and begins to fades out after about 1-2 washes – which means that for the average Chav the dye will stay in for some time between 6 months and 3 years. Fucking bargain eh!

And finally if you have encountered a lot of chav’s in your time you may be curious over why they make this noise. Well the answer is it that it is their mating call. They are signalling to their female counterparts that they are full to the brim with beans and that they are ready to regurgitate their bellies over a french kiss.

How bloody romantic!

3) Pot Noodle.

Pot Noodles are openly referred to by their manufacturer (Golden Wonder) as the slag of snacks. And rightly so – as they are devoured predominately by chavs and the welsh.

One can better their social standing by publicly devouring certain well respected flavours. In a way it is quite similiar to the belt hierachy in karate. You start off with the lesser flavours such as chow mein and work your way up to the top. It isn’t easy going as most of the flavours from Beef & Tomato onwards will give you cancer quite quickly. The hierarchy is something like this

Posh Noodle Sizzling Cock Flavour (only for hippies, gays and communists)
Chow Mein
Sizzling Bacon
Beef & Tomato
Spicy Curry
Dirty Sanchez
Bombay Bad Boy (for people with a deathwish)

The Bombay Bad Boy is the equivalent of the black belt in karate, once you’ve attained the title of “Bombay Bad Boy” you can go no higher as your tastebuds will have turned into liquid shit by this stage. You will now be able to drink 3 litres of White Lightning without tasting a thing. Hell, you’ll be able to eat your own shit and remain gormless.

4) Pink and Whites

Every Chav is a closet Pink and Whites scoffer. None of them will admit it though, for if they were to do so they would be the laughing stock of their peers.

If you haven’t indulged in the Pink and Whites you are surely missing out in something truly majestic. They are essentially a piece of sugary form in a wafer sandwhich. Absolutely unmissable.

Over the years chavs have subscribed to the urban legend that Pink and Whites are the second biggest threat to heterosexual civilisation next to the Pink Finger wafers you can sometimes find in the corner shop. Whether or not such tea-snacks make you a man-fan of the cock is debatable. I personally think it’s bullshit. I’ve yet to have a pocket-wank over Phillip Schofield. I’ve been tempted though.

I was about to slip into a pink and whites induced coma at the time you see and mistook Schofield for Kaye Adams. She really fucking floats my boat y’see.

5) Service Station Cheese Slices.

The word on the street is that most chavs can make a 10 pack of Kraft Cheese Slices last almost a week, which makes them an ideal food source for them and other low income types. Apparently if you are quite practical and skilled with your hands you can roll the empty plastic wrappers up into a cylinder shape to make a cheap alternative to the nemesis of all chav-types – the common condom.

If you are thinking of trying this method of contraception out, please ensure that you have peeled away all cheese from the package. Fuck knows what they put in that processed shite. Probably dead rats. Afterall – the last thing you want is to wake up with a septic cock.

6) Earthworms

Earthworms tend to be free and are therefore a delicacy to ravens and chavs alike. You’ll often find chavs sitting on grass mounds in run-down council estates with a bottle of Tesco Value Washing Liquid attempting to coax out the blind wiggly bastards with a few suds.

This never tends to work. The Tesco Value Liquid is so caustic that it drives the worms further down into the ground. In saying that the liquid tends to make good replacement for mustard gas. If you really want earthworms for din-dins you are best using Fairy. This tends to drive the bastards crazy, making them leap up out of the soil like dolphins out of water. And whats more the suds actually mutates them into big-fuck-off-giant-worms. According to Sir Bob’s best estimates 5 of these super-fuck-off-worms could feed a small village in Kenya for about 10 years. So there ye go like.

Sexy Chav Links

Glasgow Survival
The Official Devvo Site
The Chav Mum!
Stray Toaster

Tired of wearing black all the time? Tired of working 9-5 in a job you hate? There is a simple solution, become a chav.

One of the keys to becoming a proper chav is through the consumption of various types of alcohol. Not any type of alcohol mind!

1. Buckfast tonic wine.

You are not a chav if you do not drink buckfast tonic wine. Simple as fucking that. If our lord himself were born in these times he would have been knocking on the door of the local offies at 2am demanding some of this brew. To put it simply “buckies” tastes like fortified shit, which is what it really is. It was first produced by mother thersa from her forest asylum in iceland shortly before her death. Her goal was to make a drink fit for royalty and by fuck did she do that!

In recent years drinking buckfast has become something of a culture. There are even songs dedicated to this dear drink and if you wish to hear them simply visit the local burger van at 2am in the morning. Be warned this can actually be quite dangerous. It might start off innocent enough with about 20 spides offering you a sip out of their buckies bottle. However if you don’t comply to their generosity they will start by calling you a fucking hippy and end by pouring their bevvie all over yer.

You can pick some up from your local off licence for around £5 for a 750 ml flask. All in all it isn’t really good value at all. Its actually quite shite. you are best off with the russian king of cool.

2. Lambrini

Lambrini is really the slag of chav drinks. You don’t get many male chav’s drinking it in public as it is marketed towards the chavettes/millies/hoop wearing bitches. If a male chav is caught with a bottle of lambrini by a group of his peers, he has to be ceremonial wanked off by the head chav around the back of the local bingo hall.

In Norn Iron lambrini is sometimes marketed as friscino. DON’T BE FUCKING FOOLED! It’s still lambrini. The only difference is the price. Friscino often goes for about £2.99. So do your part for the community and say “fuck off” to independent off licences and shop at the multinationals (i.e. tesco). You know it makes sense.

Lambrini comes in different sizes and flavours. Typically you can buy lambrini in either 750ml or 1.5l bottles. You can get a 1.5l bottle in tesco for about £2 which is fucking good value i’d say. Lambrini tastes even better when you mix it with the tesco own brand ginger beer (the strong stuff rather than that watered down brown lemonade shite that some vendors would attempt to fog you off with.)

3. Pavlov (a.k.a the russian king of cool)

Pavlov is quite a remarkable vodka and is a growing phenomenon throughout the uk. It is the only vodka that i can think of which costs less than £7 for a 70cl bottle (£6.34 in tescos). In this case the price is reflected in the taste. This should only matter if you prefer vodka straight (which most chav’s do). If the tastes proves to be too harsh you can dilute her with some tesco value coke or ginger beer (depending of course upon one’s budget).

If you are to become a true chav you must master the art of downing two of these bottles on a saturday night. Straight from the tin. Down a drizzly, pissy alleyway. If this is not your cup of tay and are looking for a challange you could always acquire a trench coat with a huge inside pocket. You could use this pocket to smuggle a bottle of pavlov into a nightclub. Your challange is to last in the nightclub for over 5 hours without being turfed out on your nads. You must take a toilet break every hour, finding a vacant cubicle where you can begin downing the goods. You must not spend more than 5 minutes at any one interval swigging otherwise you are a cheating bastard. You’ve been warned.

4. Puff (poof) juice

Warning : you will not climb the chav hierarchy by ever resorting to drinking puff juice on a friday. Puff juice was a term conjured by the spidey masses to describe all of the drinks which fall under the category of alcopop. Puff juice can range in quality quite a bit, but it is typically all shit. For instance it is quite difficult to find an alco-pop which is stronger than 5% , costs less than a £10 per litre and won’t give you about 30 different types of cancer per swig.

To put it simply puff juice is the last refuge of the desperate and should only be tolerated when drunk on a family outing to wetherspoons. Even then you are treading on very thin water.

5. frosty jacks

Once upon a time there was a cider called White Lightning and it was considered the king of the shit cheap ciders. Sure it may have devoured the lining of your stomach like a killer seal with tourettes. Nevertheless it did the job.

When Frosty Jacks was introduced onto the market, White Lightning was instantly dethroned. The scary thing about frosty’s is that it is actually enjoyable if you dilute it with 9 parts of blackcurrent cordial.

For around £2.50 you can acquire a 3l bottle which is quite frankly, dirt cheap. Downing a whole bottle of frosty’s is not a kick up the arse off being equivalent to devouring a 10 glass bottle of vodka. Which really is quite unhealthy. But then again if you are a student you might as well.

I only put this image here because i couldn’t find a picture of frosty’s.

6. aftershock

Aftershock is the bevvy of choice amongst king chav’s.

In order to become a king chav, one must first gain the respect and admiration of his flock by wearing shockingly unoriginal “threads” and breaking into old peoples homes and beating them to within an inch of their life. Once this inital phase is complete, the regular chav metamorphises into a king chav by peddling Class A’s to school children.

Aftershock is as vital to the uk chav scene as beer was in viking Norway during the years of Thor and Stig Inge Bjornebye. It is not uncommon to enter a bar in any part of the British Isles and see chav royalty ordering a pint of aftershock. In fact up and down the country the pint is overtaking the shot as the default measure of the drink.

you cannot buy aftershock from your local offies unless you convince the cashier that you are a king chav. you can either do this by producing your king chav i.d. card or by grabbing her by the hair and smashing her head off the cash register until she submits to your will. Either way a bottle will set you back by about £13. It is well worth it in the end. You’ll be sweating like a king.

Sexy Drink Links

Tramp Juice – Reviews of the best super lagers on the market.
Special Brew May Well Change You

Recently in northern ireland there has been somewhat of an epidemic of what are known locally as spides (and less locally as chavs, neds (non-educated delinquents), townies, kevs, charvers and steeks) . Spides are basically people with no money. who dress up in tracksuits. and steal car stereos. and fart on the rich. and steal from the poor.

None of the above statements are true by the way. Throughout this article i will set out the truth on this matter.

The shocking truth on spides

Many spides enjoy nothing more than to call the egotists of the world hippies. por examplo

“Yer fucking hippy, get da fuck out of here or else i’ll burn you out”

Why though? denial. let me take you back on a mystical journey! Back to the 60’s!

1960s

Contrary to popular opinion the 60’s were shite. True hippies roamed around stoned off their bollocks, chanting shite about free love and making plans to topple their capitalist oppressors. Hippies enjoyed smoking marijuana. Hippies enjoyed causing trouble. Hippies enjoyed nothing more than a good old fuck calling their children such obscene names as tara or jade. Hippies wore ridiculous jewellery. Hippies were idiots. Hippies smelt bad. Hippies listened to shit music.

Where the fuck are you going with this mr drunken hero?

2000’s

During the 90’s and 00’s (however the fuck you pronounce that) the spide came to prominence. They enjoyed smoking 10 deals, starting fires and bottling bypassers, fucking in dank alleys, wearing garish gold jewellry/hoop earrings, skipping school, skipping baths and listening to happy hardcore (the modern equivalent to pink floyd)

Am i seeing similarities here?

Call this a little farfetched if you will but………..

Yes sir, you are correct…..the common spides are the new hippies!. amazing isnt it?

Confused? lets recap.

• A lot of spides love dope! so did their hippy forefathers!
• Spides enjoy causing trouble! Spides hate the police! ditto!
• Spides enjoy the occassional dank fuck! So did hippies!
• Spidey taste in jewellry is horrendous! So was hippy taste in jewellry!
• Spides are daft bastards! ditto again!
• Spides smell bad! So did those bastard hippies!
• Spides listen to happy hardcore! Hippies listened to pink floyd!

What a fucking revelation! Ya fucking hippy bastards! Get away from my house what with yer daft happy hardcore tracks and yer cheap dope!

If spides are really hippies. Who the fuck are the people who were formerly known as hippies?

Hippies + new hippies = identity crisis

To put it blunt, the former hippies were obnoxious bastards. They had nothing in their lives and recognised this.

So in a vain attempt to distinguish themselves from the underclass, they dressed differently and listened to god awful bands such as Nirvana, Smashing Pumpkins, Nine Inch Nails, Led Zeppelin, Metallica and so on!

Being completely fucking idiotic the then spides were rather alarmed by their strangely clothed counterparts.

When a group of spides spotted a hippy walking across the street such a confrentation would occur

Spide 1 : Steeky! Da fuck m8 (hucking and spitting noise)! look at that fucking hippy! Does his ma let him out dressed like that!
Spide 2 : Fucking right ha ha! (hucking and spitting noise) ~shouting at hippy~ GET DA FUCK OUT OF ERE, THIS PLACE ISNT OPEN TO HIPPIES YA FUCKING HIPPY!
Hippy : You are all dicks, I will end up with a better paid job than you! i listen to better music than you! You are basically all fucked!
Spide 1 : DA FUCK M8! ME A DICK? (hucking and spitting noise). Lets beat 17 shades of shit out of this hippy bastard!
Spide 2 : (hucking and spitting noise) ~Proceeds towards hippy~.

The hippy would then be subjected to several stabbings and a golden shower (if they were particularly lucky)

What to do when you see a rock hippy

First of all call him a tone deaf bastard rocker. Before proceeding to “knack his ballacks in” as the saying goes. He will not be impressed by this. If he slags off dj quicksilvers new single politely tell him “its better than that daft morbid shite you listen to, why dont you just fucking slit your wrists open and do us all a favour!”

There are exceptions when it comes to rock hippies. If the hippy has matted hair, is wearing all black and a t-shirt with skulls on it do not kick his shit in immediately. This type of hippy is known best as a crusty. Crusties like shite metal. Essentially crusties are spides. They spit and they smoke dope and have shite tastes in music. Invite him out to kellys for some high quality music and he will instantly accept. All metallers secretly love happy hardcore a.k.a Vnv Nation. as a general rule

IF YOU GO TO THE VENUE, YOU ARE A FUCKING SPIDE!

Spides r00l.