Name : Thom Yorke

Goth Name : Captain Cavemouth

Rank : Lieutenant-Colonel

Joined the forces : 1992

Thom Yorke has always been closely associated with weird. He looks weird, he sings weird and he probably smells weird too. This is not down to shaky parenting or air pollution. It is down to the fact that he is an uber-goth at heart.

He comes over so bloody miserable on Radiohead LP’s as the rest of the band will not allow him record an album choc-a-bloc full of darkwave classics. That is why their new album is taking so long. Him and Robert Smith are doing what Severin and the latter did in the early 1980’s, they are forming a shite side project which will likely only last one album and will allow both to create a godawful album that no one in their right mind will listen to.

Yorke is currently back in the studio with Radiohead which probably means that he is thinking of leaving the Goth hierarchy for good. Some of the members lower down in the hierarchy have been calling for Thom’s resignation for a long time now, citing Radioheads Kid A album to be far too radio-friendly for it to be considered a true underground classic.

Whether Thom stays or leaves, his presence as a Goth will have left a sour taste in a lot of peoples mouths.

Name : Peter Hook

Goth Name : Widehook

Rank : Lieutenant-Colonel

Joined the forces : 1976

You probably had already suspected it. And it will not come as a big shock to you that the Hookster is in fact a massive Goth. If you’ve heard of any of New Order’s recent performances you will have noticed how they seem to be rather unwilling to play any New Order material. It is Hook’s mission to transport the band back to 1979 so that he can become the new divaesque gloom merchant of the band.

Hooky is the head Goth chef. He’s been practising food preparation for over two decades yet he still cannot master the cheese toastie much to Robert Smith’s annoyance. Smith who is eager to see Pete produce some good grub for once has invested in over £10,000 worth of kitchen equipment, cooking lessons and recipe books for the New Order bassist, without any noticable improvement in his cooking ability.

He’s basically shit 10 grand down the bowl. Imagine how many big macs he could have bought with that? Those would have kept Bob going for just over a fortnight. Now he going to be left hungry forever until the Goths manage to bring in a semi competent chef and frankly what are the odds of that? Most Gothic types love being starved, they love the eroticism behind it all and as much as they may complain about their rumbling bellys deep inside they want Hooky’s tenure as head chef to last forever if possible.

Name : Robert Smith

Goth Name : The Archbishop of Lard

Rank : Lieutenant-Colonel

Joined the forces : 1984

Smith is by far the most popular member of the Goth brigade. His career as podgy lead singer of Goth rockers the Cure has won him and the Goth movement a hell of a lot of converts.

The singer is currently head of discipline for the Goths. If any Goth is caught grinning even momentarily, Bob telephones the men in black coats who lead the merry criminal kicking and screaming into the back of a black ambulance which heads back home to the House Of Goth.

The victim is then strapped to a stretcher, left in a cold cellar for days where they are subjected to torture from Bobeth. Usually this takes the form of Bob dressing up in a skin-tight PVC nurses uniform, suggestively munching away at a battered Crunchie whilst his victim, whose eyes are usually crazy with hunger tracks every munch that Smith takes of the bar.

Robert is somewhat famous for his ties with the Nestle corporation. There have been rumours recently that Smith is interested in acquiring the company for a fee of in excess of £130 million. If his bid is successful Bob will be able to feed his inquenchable lust for Kit-Kats on a permanent basis. Expect to never see the Cure perform live again. Expect Nestle to start producing chocolate coated bats within a month. Expect goths all around the country to balloon in size in salute to the hairy one.

Name : Paul Daniels

Goth Name : The Short Dank Cunt

Rank : Lieutenant-Colonel

Joined the forces : 18??

When it comes to being purely evil there are no better examples than “The Short Dank Cunt” a.k.a. Paul Daniels. Ever since he was a toddler Daniels derived much pleasure from microwaving cats. In fact he was featured a record number of 26 times in a national tabloid for such exploits.

Daniels was granted an honorary role as Lieutentant-Colonel of the goths sometime in the 18th century. Since then his lack of motivation and general shiteness have seen him make no advances up the ladder of gothdom.

Daniels is often the target of Robin Guthries practical jokes. On April Fools day last year Guthers tampered with Paul’s brakes leading to his car careering head on into a tree at 120mph. Daniels miraculously emerged from the accident injury free. Many people believe that Satan himself intervened. And they are probably right y’know.

There have been many efforts to oust Daniels from the movement for various different reasons. Many Goths subscribe to the belief that if people see that Paul is a goth, the majority of the public will therefore assume that all Goths are like Daniels i.e. midgety bald cunts. Which may or may not be close to the truth.

Name : Robin Guthrie

Goth Name : Steak Knife

Rank : Lieutenant-Colonel

Joined the forces : 1982

Many would consider Guthers role as Lieutentant-Colonel of the goths as an unlikely one. In the past he has expressed his distaste of people from the scene. He was also responsible for the execution of over 100 vegetarians during his reign as the axe wielding maniac of the dream-pop band the Cocteau Twins.

Do not let his everyman image deceive you. Guthrie is second in command behind Christ as the upholder of the Goth manifesto. He acts as servant and bodyguard for Jesus and can often be seen holding up fast food outlets and off licences all around the country in order to ensure that his leader’s demands are met.

There has of course been much speculation about Guthries dedication to the cause. When not serving the Lords every need he sits around watching daytime television whilst trying to invent a computer program that will predict the winning lottery numbers without fail every week.

Guthrie also refuses to attend the annual Goth black-tie dinner. He can instead be found at home, sitting on the toilet wearing a black robe and crown praying that Christ will one day choke on a pea at dinner so that he can take over his role as Colonel.

Name : Jesus Christ

Goth Name : El Cid “The Dark Swarvy Version”

Rank : Colonel

Joined the forces : 0AD

Every organisation has to have a top-dog. A player to call the shots, if you will. Little do his followers know but Jesus was and remains King-Goth. Ever wondered what Jesus was at during his 40 nights in the desert? I’ll give you a clue, he was not in the desert. He was back in Jerusalem trying on P.V.C. corsets.

Judas was the only disciple to ever witness the Saviour in drag, and being a hateful sod decided to betray the Lord because of his eccentricity.

Most Goths dispute Jesus’s position as Colonel in the scheme of things. And many attempts have been made on his life. Fortunately any such assassination attempts have failed mainly due to Jesus’s body being caked heavily in make-up preventing any bullets from injuring him.

Jesus used to share the role of top-dog with his other two incarnations, Jehova and the Holy Spirit. Jehova resigned as co-colonel in 1981 after Christ confessed his love for the Cure’s seminal album Seventeen Seconds. The Father, incensed at his Son’s questionable taste in popular music decided to foreit his position with immediate effect. It is rumoured that Jehova now runs a god awful circus act in India.

Unable to cope with the loss of the Father, the Holy Spirit turned to Contreau to allievate his problems. His alcoholism lead to some rather strange managerial decisions being made including the creation of The Mission and Clan Of Xymox. He resigned from the hierarchy in the early 1990’s.

Rumours abound that the Holy Spirit is trying to re-enter the Goth fray after having a boozing session with Robert Smith last Saturday at the Purple Turtle.

Unless you’ve been stranded in a cupboard for the last 500 years you will have encountered a Goth. Most consider Goths to be harmless, soulless creatures who masturbate over Anne Rice novels and Jesus and Mary Chain LP’s. This is far from the complete picture.

The purpose of this page is to inform the ignorant of the threat that goths pose to society and the various tactics that they will employ to try to get you to join their ranks. In due course we will also outline the real hierarchy of goths.

Goths? Organised?

That’s right, many insiders consider the goths to be the new Fourth Reich, a highly efficient unit of posers, loners and whingers who are ready to enslave the world with their horrificly bad make-up, poetry and clothes.

The True Hierarchy of Gothdom