Socialists are soulless vessels, intent on destroying society as we know it just to bolster their own egos.

If you’ve never met a socialist before, then you aren’t missing much. Most of them stand outside in the rain, waving placards about, asking you to sign a petition for some cause or other that no one should care about

Talking to a socialist is a trial too. These people are totally humorless and take themselves and their bullshit causes too seriously. I honestly wish they’d all just fuck off else where as I’m not fooled by their ‘Oh we want to save the world from Capitalism!’ bullshit. They do this purely for show. They have no morals or character. Their goal is to tempt other socialists into bed through trying to be more pretentious than one another.

Socialists only believe in free speech as long as it protects their right to say what they want. No one else is allowed to have their say. It’s all a crock of shit.

You’ve known it all your life, but Jesus of Nazareth hates your ugly face. He hates your rancid breath. He hates how you talk, walk and cough. Everytime he stares down at you from Heaven he wants to punch you repeatedly in your flat lifeless face, just to gain revenge for the rest of us who have to put up with smelling you throughout the day.

Of course, I jest. Jesus does not have the time to be hating the likes of you. He’d much rather devote his hours to playing put-put golf on the clouds with Jerry Falwell than spend anymore time than necessary glaring back down at you.

The truth about Satan and Hell is that neither exist. Both are imaginary. Both were created by the church to control your mind. They were an evil ploy to get you to repent for being a bad little fishy so that you’re more than eager to donate your money to the church.

Now be a good little monkey and give all you can to the church. Go on now, shoe!

No, of course not. That’s because there is no such thing as a soul and no such thing as an afterlife. Of course, most people I know rightly hate their relatives, so if there was a soul, then it would be gleaming with joy as the person would be happily awaiting their inheritance and removing the asshole from their lives for good.

When someone in your family dies, then the only option is to deal with it right away. If it’s your grandmother who has passed away, you must steal someone elses grandmother and use her as a replacement.

People do this all the time with animals without blinking an eyelid, so why not try it out when a human passes away in your family.

If you steal this person from a close friend and they demand the family member back, deny they ever existed. Burn all the photographs that exists of their relative in their house. Call the mental hospital and demand that your friend is committed.

Do anything to save your own skin.

If you’ve wasted your life so far by being one of the good guys, then consider your life up to this point null and void. All of that shit they taught you in church won’t get you anywhere in life. You were force fed that shit so that society could trample all over you.

You are society’s little monkey boy and your good manners won’t save you in the end. You’ll rot like every other miserable fucker on this planet.

Rather than being an out and out cold hearted bastard, it’s important to realize that you can ditch your moral compass and happily exist without adhering to any of the bullshit. You can urinate openly in public. You can crap on your neighbours lawn. You can vomit in your sisters mail after a rough night out on the tiles.

Just don’t be too much of a dickhead otherwise some smart asshole will pop some caps into your rear end.

There are times where puking is a necessary evil. Just ask Karen Carpenter and Lady Diana for the cold hard facts.

On many occasions I’ve been out on the piss and came home thinking “I feel alright, let’s go to bed” only to be awoken at quarter to 4 with a violent stream of vomit guldering out of my mouth and nostils.

Let’s face it, vomiting isn’t pleasant. It’s one of the most painful and embarassing functions your body has at it’s disposal. In saying that there are times where it is necessary to get it out of you.

“Better out than in” is a philosophy that all successful barfers have adopted at one time or another. Anyway enough of the waffling, below are a few guidelines on how to make yourself vomit. And fast.

1) Buy some Andrews Liver Salts. Follow the instructions on the side and barf your way to bliss. Make sure that no-one is around, particularly if you want to be discreet about this. You will be roaring like a lion and the last thing you want is your father to walk in to the bathroom in his boxers whilst your head is half buried in the sink.

2) Spin around in circles. This method is a classic and it’s one that often alludes the eager young barfer. Spin really fast for about 3 minutes and when you stop, think about the time you walked in on your elderly grandmother having a shit. Picture her sitting there, bemused by your unannounced entry. Recall the smell, that weird twang of decaying vegetable matter and 10 year old rotten meat.

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Guidance comes in many forms. Too many forms in fact to list here. We will be offering guidance to all of you out there in your time of need.

stay sane. be happy and live long with this revolutionary new regime. it’s worked for adolf hitler. now it can work for you! read this a testimonial from the horses mouth!

hitler – "aye fucking right leek it was beezer i just followed a couple of easy steps and now i’m completely fucking sane. i recommend drunken hero’s program to anyone"

much like normal diets you are restricted by a daily calorie limit. men can intake approximately 2500 mental calories and slags around 2000. if you exceed your daily limit you run the risk of being sectioned. here’s a rundown of the number of mental calories used or gained through various means which are categorised below!

television ads

younger looking skin/moisteuriser/cum bath/expoliant/wank wank cream ads + 500 calories

everytime i see that downright gangly bastard mcdowell flogging her wares on those fucking absymal younger looking skin ads i want to die. not just any old death. i want to be brutually raped by andy fordham and choke to death on his oxtail scented pubic hair. lets face it. you will never look 10 years younger. you are going to fucking die. life does not begin at 40. the menopause does. and when the menopause arrives, it won’t be long before you are locked in an old person’s home. face the fucking facts. just turn off before your head is infected with this bullshit. and did i mention that you are going to die?

still bottled water ads + 300 calories

if you buy bottled water you are a complete fucking idiot. plain and simple. i mean let us take the example of ballygowan. its meant to be purity bottled. gathered from a mysterious lake in horsefucktown deep in the midst of leinsteiner/or golfuckingheim or some other obscure/half-arsed irish state. apparently the water has been there for 800 years too which of course adds to its appeal amongst the braindead.

right lets get this straight, this company is flogging water which has been lying there for 800 years. 800 years is a long time! during that period all sorts of wildlife have been shitting, pissing, wanking, fucking, barfing and snarfling in the water. yet they don’t show this in the adverts. think about it for fucks sake! think about a deranged farmer whipping his charred man out and sticking it in yer bottle and pishing in it! just watch the clarity disappear and the yellow develop! there!

dentyl advert (featuring brunette cockney cunt) + 3500 calories

this is enough to send you over the edge. i mean what were the writers thinking. lets employ the most annoying, talentless, whoring, boring, snoring whore we can to deliver what has to be one of the worst pieces of script ever conceived? i mean its nonsenical. and not even in a comedic "jim davidson & john virgo hairy gay romp over a snooker table" way either.

people you encounter

people who say "take it like a man" + 300 calories

to the best of my knowledge men can take it in one of two ways. up the arse or in the mouth. think before you trundel out bollocks you macho cunt. and men can’t take pain. i should know i am one. and before you call me a cissy. ask your mother if she is up for another crispy duck and fuck tomorrow night. thank you.

people who read nuts, fhm or blah blah wank wank fuckinggggggggggggggggggg + 5000 calories

oh god. i can’t go on, this is becoming too depressing. lets start with nuts. first of all they should revise the title and call it "bollocks". this magazine is for the clueless. i mean fucking hell. nuts is more dangerous than mein kampf. it really is. its trying to create a generic cookie cutter cunt "i want fanny, beer, telly, footy, gossip and cock" male. if you buy nuts on a regular basis or even worse subscribe to this crock of shite, you are confessing to the world that you are enuch halfwit who pinches white roses and fruit polos with the sole intent of delivering them local to the church organist (sweaty betty) as a fuck lure. just end your life now. thank you.

places

gyms + 200 calories

gyms are satanic and are the sole reason why we are all fucked as a race. they spawn bad t.v shows. they spawn soulless cunts who warble on continuous about reps, calories and flat arses.

"fat fucks" wouldn’t exist in an ideal world.

let me take you back a bit. we’ll start with the vikings. the vikings had the right fucking idea. they ran about, had beer festivals, killed bears, rams, deer, goats, people and pigs. and ate them. and then drunk more beer. they did not need gyms to keep fit. neither did the romans, or the egyptians. or any other half decent race.

if you really want to keep fit – there is an easy answer. go hunting. with your bare teeth. try to terrorise as many herds of cattle as you possibly can within an hour whilst continually moving on to the next field. you’ll be fighting fit in no time..

Please note some of these tips may make people believe that you are a dirty old man or woman. They are for entertainment purposes only, on the other hand, if you really want to learn a thing or two about yanking try one of these books from Amazon.co.uk. or if you are already a pro wanker and fancy getting yourself some hardcore tools of the trade.

The Gospel According to Wank

stroking it off, beating it blind and twisting the talent. these are all names for an exciting process which begins at puberty and ends sometime after you become a dirty old man.

these ten tips will eliminate almost all risk from your ventures downstairs.

1. when downloading cheapo trial videos from cheapo dodgy trial sites, turn down the sound on your computer speaker system to 0. look around the room to ensure that nobody is watching you, if the coast is clear try turning your speakers up a notch. the chances are the orgasms will be in full flow already on the video. if the screams of the woman/man are too loud, adjust volume as necessary with free hand. i must stress that opening a video without checking that your volume is down is suicide. unless you are home alone. if that is the case, turn it up as loud as possible.

2. never ever, ever do it in bed. it may seem easy enough to move over to the floor/into the toilet when you’ve just begun. however when freddie starts knocking you’ll become a right filthy bastard and you’ll just want to lie there. besides the last thing you want is to have to explain what those marks are on your bed sheets.

3. resist all temptations to have a novelty wank. a novelty wank is a particularly risky tug in unchartered terrority ala a siblings bedroom, a forest or a public toilet. it will all end in disaster. instead my advice is to save yourself until the next time you are on a ferry and shoot one off into the sea from the top deck.

4. do not have a crack when drunk. particularly if you are still living with your parents. not only could you cause yourself some unnecessary damage downstairs – you’ll also begin taking major risks i.e. leaving your bedroom door open, leaving the sound on too loud.

5. tissue is a necessity. roll out the white carpet before even thinking about saluting the sailor. the last thing you want is to be sitting there all floppy and lethargic with a pool of evil half-milk to clear up. even if you are an awful shot its still best to lay down the law before hand. that way the spillage will be minimal.

6. when you are ready to jettison your cargo, resist all eye contact with litter bins, house plants and hand basins. it is not worth the effort. someone will have to empty your bin bag sooner or later. and moreover, it will be one hell of a kodak moment if you are caught.

7. always ensure that you have enough suitable pornographic material to tide you over. the worst possible thing that can happen is for your engine to stall when you are almost home. if you have no pornography, you will have to rely on your mind to conjure sexy thoughts. and since the mind is a complete cunt you’ll wind up thinking about something completely unsavoury. which will make it much harder for you to cross the finishing line.

8. let sleeping dogs lie. no matter how perky you may feel, take this as a signal – if your hero is curled up he isn’t going to wake up. shaking him will just irritate him. and the next time you take him for a walk, he’ll be less likely to run off in a straight line. you don’t want to have to take out 3rd party insurance just to have a quick slap, do you now m’boy?

9. by very wary of group wanks. if fat frank from around the corner calls at your door at midnight asking you if you would like to have a fondle behind the church with the rest of the lads, it is best to say no. be suspicious of anyone who wishes to watch you foam yourself up (without prior consultation).

10. investing £3 on a test run may seem like a good idea on a drunken stint in the men’s room. however, be warned – dumping the body can be a serious trying issue- which can challange even the most practical of men. flinging it out of your bedroom window is completely out of the question. as is flushing it down the toilet. i’d suggest sticking it an envelope, putting a stamp on it and mailing it to your local MP. but that’s just me.